In March of 2020, I was on my way to ending my life. As I drove toward the backcountry, despair gripped my whole being and I had decided to make it all just stop.
In the midst of my desperation, I heard the words of one my teachers, Richard Miller:
“I always have the right response to every situation.”
It wasn’t just his words that appeared in that moment, it was his presence.
I stopped the car, got out, and felt the crunch of gravel underneath my feet. I heard the gentle babbling brook. I felt the cool crispness of the early Spring air brushing against my skin.
It was anguish to even move. The depression was so deep and devastating, the outlook so bleak. How could I go on?
But, somehow, I walked. And as I walked, I began to hear my own voice.
It was saying, with each slow, excruciating step:
Here I Am. Now, I Am Here.
Here I Am. Now, I Am Here.
Here I Am. Now, I Am Here.
Soon, I was absorbed in a cycle of “hereness” and “nowness” and “am-ness”
Here I Am Now I Am Here I Am Now
I Am Here I Am Now I Am Here I Am
Now I Am Here I Am Now I Am Here
I Am Now I Am Here I Am Now I Am
Here I Am Now I Am Here I Am Now
I Am Here I Am Now I Am Here I Am
Now I Am Here I Am Now I Am Here
I Am Now I Am Here I Am Now I Am
The right response to the situation.
Like burning, bright sunlight dissipating a thick fog, the light of Presence began to dispel the desperation and fear of the future.
And where there had been no way to see through the hopelessness, there now appeared within me and before me a kind of light. Dim, but growing. Warming. Glowing. Rising.
The right response.
A miracle.
Grace.
Home calling.
As I returned to the car, I pointed it back home and as I began to drive, I felt the need to move my body in such a way as to shake off the remnants of acute desperation.
I turned on an upbeat song and I made myself sing. I made my body groove. I made myself smile.
And as I did, unleashed within me was a flood of sadness and grief, as if a dam had burst and the river was free to flow again.
A river of life flowing through me and out of me.
Continuing to this day.
Here I Am. Now, I Am Here.
Here I Am. Now, I Am Here.
Here I Am Now I Am Here I Am Now
I Am Here I Am Now I Am Here I Am
Now I Am Here I Am Now I Am Here
I Am Now I Am Here I Am Now I Am
Here I Am Now I Am Here I Am Now
I Am Here I Am Now I Am Here I Am
Now I Am Here I Am Now I Am Here
I Am Now I Am Here I Am Now I Am
