Welcome, everybody. It’s a very exciting week. I don’t know what’s more exciting, the fact that football’s back, or this is our first episode. 64 and raining, coming to you from Los Feliz at the Shakespeare Bridge. We are hoping to show you some really exciting sunny Los Angeles locations: the Griffith Park Observatory, the Hollywood sign, but instead you have to settle for lovely and rainy. Just like Melbourne, folks. Well, not Melbourne this weekend, it was like a hundred degrees. What do you call that in Celsius? 30 something.
At any rate, it was an exciting weekend of football. There were a couple exceptional games. Let’s give it to our boys at GWS. What a comeback, man, my boy, Toby Greene. Our beloved Eagles fell short of the goal of a win.
Can the commentators decide whether his name is Tommy Barrass or Tommy Baris. Come on, Victorian commentators, can you get your shit together already? It’s his name. It shouldn’t be that hard for you guys to work out that one detail.
But I think the thing we all wanna talk about is Charlie Curnow’s hair. He’s pulling a hot Chris Atkins from Blue Lagoon. Nice style, Charlie.
Standouts of the game. Sexy Saad, that’s his new name. Adam Saad. I’m calling him Sexy Saad. I don’t care what anybody says. Our boy, our Brownlow medalist, he had a good game, but they just couldn’t pull it off in the end. But we’ll take the draw. And if you’re an Eagles fan, it kind of helps us ’cause we’re, we’re gonna end up at the bottom. Let’s face it, folks, it was a really crappy opener, but I think we’re ranked 11th after game one, so we only have down to go.
Collingwood versus Geelong. What a game. We thought the old men were gonna take it, but apparently Collingwood had other plans.
In other news, Gryan Miers cut his hair, got rid of the dreads. Hallelu, ladies, looks much better. He is a cute guy. And now let’s talk about the coach, Chris Scott. I don’t know why I never noticed how hot he is. He’s up right up there with Justin Longmuir from Fremantle. We’re gonna have a contest later in the season to see which coach actually is the hottest in the AFL. So stay tuned for that.
Let’s talk about the hairstyles. I wanna talk about Mullet Nation. You all have to band together, Aussie women and you have to stop sleeping with the players that are wearing these outrageous mullets. They’re not gonna learn unless you let them know. Nobody wants to see the business in the front, party in the back. It’s time to retire the mullet once and for all. That style has never, never been a good look. Never will be a good look, and it just needs to go.
The next thing we wanna talk about is the dyed hair, Rory lobb. Sorry, Rory. I mean, you’re a nice looking dude. What’s with the blonde hair? Nobody wants to see it. Girls, it’s your job. You need to tell them. They don’t know. They really don’t know. They think they know, but they don’t know.
So some of the things I’m interested in this year are whether or not Dusty Martin got any new tattoos, who’s most likely to get a full sleeve before the season’s over. I mean, maybe that won’t happen cuz I can imagine the sleeve is kind of, sleeve is kind of painful. And so maybe they won’t do it during the season, but I’d like to still have a, like a vote out there to see who we think is most likely to get a full sleeve in the coming year. I’d also wonder like what’s the most surprising tattoo that’s on any of these guys’ bodies. What would you be most surprised to find out that Jamie Elliot had tattooed on his body? What are the weirdest tattoos that are on these guys’ bodies? Does anyone have any idea or anybody wanna wanna have a guess? Apparently Dustin Martin has a tattoo of Axl Rose. My question, was it eighties Axl rose? Or nineties or 2000? Because once you get to the 2000 Axl is just the shadow of himself with all that plastic surgery.
Mason Cox … [sigh].
Something I’d like to get to the bottom of this year, and I’m hoping maybe you Aussies can help me out with, with why this is a phenomenon only in Aussie Rules football. Why do these gentlemen feel the need to take their mouth guards out and stick it in their socks? It’s disgusting. They’re out there, they’re sweaty, they’re being tackled. They’re like hands are all over each other. And then in order to kick the ball, some reason they have to take their mouth guard out of their mouth and stick it in their socks, or even sometimes in their pants, like literally putting their mouth guards in their pants and then they stick it back in their mouth. Somebody, please, please help me understand why this is something that is only done in Aussie Rules football.
So I have a soft spot for Gold Coast. I really do kind of have a soft spot for Stewie Dew, or as you like to say, Stewie Due, but God, what an embarrassment. I don’t know what was going on. The best thing about that game was Touk Miller just looking at him cuz he is super fine. But other than that it was a dark day for Gold Coast and I’m hoping those boys can get their shit together.
Essendon, welcome back, McDonald Tipungwuti, and what a game that guy had. He’s exciting to watch like magic, seeing him there and even though I’m not a big fan of either of those teams, it was great to see him have a good game on his first game back and Hawthorn, ugh, Sam Mitchell, where do we go from here? I mean, I hope up for your sake, but what an awful, awful, awful game. Seriously.
In other haircut news, Himmelberg got a haircut. He’s looking fine. He’s kind of doing like a Brad Pitt from, I think when he was with Jennifer he finally shaved off the head and he was looking pretty sexy. But yeah, nice work, Himmelberg, we’re all, I think we’re all pleased to see it. I know I am.
Huge disappointment today for Freo fans. I count myself as one of them. Love myself a west coast team, but ugh, it was awful. I mean, they started off looking promising. They tried Nat Fyfe out in a new position, which we’ll see if that’s gonna stick. One of the highlights of the Freo game today, ladies, was Alex Pearce. He looks like he could be a yoga guru, and if he had a cult, I think I’d join it. Thank you, Alex Pearce, for all you do.
Today, with the start of the season, it was hard to not recognize the loss of some of our players from last year. Some of the players who retired. Not seeing David Mundy playing for Freo. It was kind of a sad, sad feeling and also with Joel Selwood on the field. Although we did get to see him in the stands supporting his team, he was missed and maybe could have made the difference for Geelong on that game.
But the most tragic event of this weekend was not seeing my love, Josh Kennedy, in his Eagles jumper and playing in the forward line. As you are going to come to know, maybe a little too well, I’m obsessed with Josh Kennedy. He’s the love of my life. Josh looks like he’s doing really well in retirement. He’s finally living out his dream to be a full fledged hipster with his new gin brand, and he’s killing it, ladies. He’s killing it. But he was missed today and we will be talking more and more and more and more about what Josh is up to in his retirement.
So unfortunately, most AFL photos and videos are copyrighted and we’re unable to use them for our little show. So if any of you out there are at a game and you’d like to send us a photo or some video at the game, or of your parties celebrating your teams, then feel free to submit those to us. And if you’re out on the town and you’d like to share any footy related stuff with us, we’d love to see it. So feel free to send that over.
There’s some things you can expect to see in our first season of AFL from LA, and some of those you’re gonna be meeting some friends and some family members and some characters both here in Los Angeles and back in Australia. We’ll be introducing people and we’re also going to be live on the street talking to Americans about what they know about AFL, and I’m sure you’re gonna enjoy this cuz they’re gonna look pretty stupid.
