In this episode of Situation Scripts, Wes Lambert provides the exact language needed to express your unmet needs in relationships without coming across as critical or demanding.
The Situation:
- You have unmet needs in your relationship (quality time, physical affection, or support with responsibilities)
- You've tried hinting and indirect signals, hoping your partner would intuitively understand
- You now need to express these needs directly but worry about how you'll come across
The Problem:
- Many people struggle with "vulnerability anxiety" - the fear that expressing needs will be perceived as weakness
- Dr. John Gottman's research shows unexpressed needs typically emerge later as criticism or contempt
- This creates a dilemma: risk appearing needy by speaking up or risk damaging the relationship by staying silent
The Solution:
- Follow Dr. Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication approach with these four steps:
- Start with objective observation (state facts without judgment)
- Connect with feelings (express how the situation affects you emotionally)
- Identify your underlying need and its value to the relationship
- End with a specific, positive request while remaining open to alternatives
