The Go-Back Approach: Revisiting Conflict and Owning Your Choices

Description

Subtitle: How Mindful Conversations and Personal Responsibility Can Transform Relationships

Media Links

Participants

Overview

The Go-Back Approach: Adam introduces a therapeutic strategy called the "Go-Back Approach," a way to revisit important conversations in a calmer, more deliberate moment. Rather than addressing tensions in the heat of conflict, clients are encouraged to reflect and revisit them later for a more grounded discussion.
Owning Your Choices: The hosts discuss the significance of personal responsibility in managing resentment and frustration in relationships. Adam emphasizes that unresolved resentment is often more about our own choices than the actions of others.
Exit, Voice, Loyalty: Adam references the book Exit, Voice, Loyalty to illustrate how individuals manage dissatisfaction: leaving, voicing concerns, or staying silent. He draws parallels to personal relationships, noting how these choices are mirrored in interpersonal dynamics.
Reframing Stuckness: In a therapist-client role play, Adam challenges the idea of feeling "stuck," arguing that feeling bad and being stuck are distinct experiences. He guides the fictional client, Kate, through understanding how day-to-day choices are still within her control, even amidst external setbacks.
Big Feelings as Signifiers: Adam closes the episode by exploring Les Greenberg's Emotion-Focused Therapy, emphasizing how big emotions signify the need for mindful choices rather than impulsive reactions. Ali reflects on how this idea transformed her understanding of emotional responses in therapy.

Breakdown of Segments

Introduction: Ali celebrates her recent graduation and discusses the mission of Delve Psychotherapy, including low-cost and pro bono options for therapy.
The Go-Back Approach: Adam introduces the concept of revisiting conflicts calmly and strategically rather than reacting in the moment.
Owning Your Choices: The hosts explore how avoiding conflict often leads to deeper resentment, and Adam reframes resentment as a matter of personal responsibility.
Therapist-Client Role Play: Adam role-plays a session with "Kate," a fictional client pursuing a singing career, struggling with career stagnation and familial pressure. Adam emphasizes choice and agency, even when circumstances feel beyond control.
Big Feelings as Signifiers: Adam and Ali discuss the importance of responding, rather than reacting, to emotions—using big feelings as a cue for meaningful decisions.
Closing Thoughts: Ali reflects on the emotional depth of the role play, and Adam shares insights from Emotion-Focused Therapy as a framework for understanding choices and emotional processing.

References & Further Reading

Hirschman, A. O. Exit, Voice, and Loyalty: Responses to Decline in Firms, Organizations, and States (1970).
Greenberg, L. Emotion-Focused Therapy: Coaching Clients to Work Through Their Feelings (2002).
Festinger, L. (1957). A Theory of Cognitive Dissonance.
Gottman, J. & Gottman, J. Fight Right: Turning Conflict into a Pathway for Intimacy and Growth.
Amanda Palmer. The Art of Asking: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Let People Help (2014).