Dr. Jack Rocco sits down with Connor Howe, a prominent male adoptee advocate, to explore the unique psychological challenges faced by adopted men. This raw and honest conversation delves into the neurological impact of early separation trauma, relationship difficulties, and why society often overlooks the mental health struggles of male adoptees.
Connor Howe (@adoptedconnor) is a first-generation open adoption advocate who has gained significant traction on social media for his unfiltered takes on adoption practices and their long-term psychological effects. Born in the 1990s, Connor experienced an open adoption where he knew his biological mother but saw her rarely, while his biological father in Ireland remains unknown to him.
- Connor's story of growing up knowing his biological mother but only seeing her ~5 hours per year
- The complexity of having a biological father who wants no contact
- How open adoption creates its own unique set of psychological challenges
- The neurological impact of infant separation from birth mothers
- Why adoptees share common experiences like "staring in the mirror" and feeling like chameleons
- The concept of "genetic mirroring" and its absence in adoptees' lives
- How boys express trauma through anger while girls cry, leading to different treatment
- Why male adoptees are overrepresented in mental health issues, criminal justice, and suicide statistics
- The pressure on men to "toughen up" rather than process emotional wounds
- Fear of rejection as a driving force in life decisions
- How not knowing yourself makes it difficult to present authentically in relationships
- The viral TikTok warning women against dating adopted men and its harmful stereotypes
- The pressure to be thankful and perform as the "poster child" for adoption
- How the "chosen/blessed/lucky" messaging invalidates adoptees' complex emotions
- The impossible task of making everyone else's adoption dreams come true
- How modern adoption practices stem from 1920s commercialization
- The role of altered birth certificates in legal identity erasure
- Why "blood doesn't make family" is often used specifically to erase adoptee connections
- "It's that missing piece. It's that hole in your center that you can't scratch... It's the itch you can't scratch."
- "Being adopted feels like someone pressed a randomized button on a video game character"
- "I felt like I was this poster child of open adoption... I had to make everyone else's dreams come true"
- "My entire life has been shaped by my deep desire to avoid rejection at all costs"
- Dr. Jack Rocco's book: "Recycled"
- Follow Connor: @adoptedconnor (Instagram/Social Media)
- Ultimate Men's Movement: ultimatemensmovement.com
- Ultimate Men's Clinic: ultimatemensclinic.com (New Bedford, Massachusetts)
- Adoption creates complex family dynamics that affect every adoptee, regardless of whether it was a "good" or "bad" adoption
- Male adoptees often mask emotional trauma with anger, leading to their mental health needs being overlooked
- The fear of rejection can drive major life decisions for adoptees well into adulthood
- Society's "grateful adoptee" narrative prevents honest discussions about adoption's psychological impact
- Understanding adoption trauma requires recognizing it as a neurological wound that occurs before conscious memory
Guest BioKey Topics DiscussedThe Open Adoption ExperienceThe Psychology of Adoption TraumaMen vs. Women: Different Responses to Adoption TraumaRelationship Challenges for Adopted MenThe "Grateful" NarrativeHistorical ContextKey QuotesResources MentionedEpisode Takeaways
