This episode is for anyone who's ever stood awkwardly at a funeral wondering what to say, anyone supporting a grieving friend, or anyone who wants to show up better for the people they care about when life gets hard.
More info, resources & ways to connect - https://www.tacosfallapart.com/podcast-live-show/podcast-guests/barbara-bowman
Barbara Bowman has lived through more loss than most people can imagine. Through those experiences she's witnessed both the beautiful and the cringe-worthy ways people respond to death and grief. Her book "What Not To Do At Funerals: A Newbie's Guide To Death" tackles the awkwardness head-on with humor and practical advice.
Working in a med spa gave Barbara a front-row seat to grief complaints. After hearing countless stories about funeral mishaps and people not knowing what to do, she realized there was a gap. Nothing out there offered quick, punchy guidance for navigating these situations. So she wrote a 60-page guide you could literally download on your way to a funeral.
The biggest takeaway? Grief is unique to each person and each relationship. Losing a grandparent as a kid is vastly different from losing a spouse or child as an adult. The depth of grief correlates with the hopes and dreams wrapped up in that relationship. When someone tells you they understand your pain because their grandmother died, they might not realize they're minimizing something much heavier.
Barbara emphasizes that funerals aren't about you. They're about honoring the deceased and supporting the grievers. Show up. Don't be late. Dress like you're going to a job interview. No selfies. No asking how they died. And for the love of everything, don't compare your grief to theirs or tell them they should have gone to your doctor.
The conversation highlighted how COVID changed everything. For several years people couldn't gather for funerals and that created a new normal where not showing up became acceptable. But people remember who shows up and they definitely remember who doesn't.
One of the most powerful points: never be afraid to say the name of someone who died. Grieving people want to talk about their loved ones. If mentioning someone's name makes them cry it's because they loved that person and they'll appreciate those tears.
Barbara stresses that showing up is just the beginning. The real impact happens after the funeral when everyone else has moved on. Offer to drive someone to the airport at 3am. Bring food. Check in weeks later when the shock has worn off and the emotional tidal wave hits. Small gestures create lasting bonds.
As for what to say? Keep it simple. Share a memory. Tell them you're thinking of them. Admit you don't know what to do but you want to help. That honesty beats awkward silence every time.
The discussion also touched on balance and self-care. Barbara celebrates small progress instead of waiting for big milestones. Wrote one page instead of three? Celebrate it. Set everything up to write but didn't actually write? That's still progress.
Her teaching background shines through in her approach. She wants to give people tools and confidence to handle these situations without the sweaty palms and stress. Death is universal. We're all going to experience it. Having a quick reference guide removes the guesswork and helps people show up as their best selves when life hands us one of its hardest goodbyes.
Because at the end of the day grief is about connection and so is supporting someone through it.
