What Is Forgiveness? Enright defines forgiveness as “a process, freely chosen by you, in which you willingly reduce resentment through some hard work and offer goodness of some kind toward the one who hurt you” (2012, 49). Let’s look at some of the key elements of this definition: Process. Forgiving serious offenses usually does not come quickly, easily, or all at once. Choice. No one can force us to forgive. We forgive when we are ready. The choice to forgive does not depend on whether the offender apologizes, deserves to be forgiven, or changes. The choice simply relates to how we decide to respond to the past. Resentment. This is feeling the original anger again. When we forgive, we choose to release bitterness and the intent to get even so that we can be freed of the heavy burden that keeps us chained to the past and sours our present life. Offering goodness to the offender. Releasing ill will, judgments, and vengeance toward the offender is a healing place to start. Offering compassion to the offender is even more healing. Perhaps we start by avoiding or tolerating the offender, refusing to speak ill of him, or doing him no harm. Over time and after needed healing, we might cultivate kind thoughts toward the offender. We remember that everyone is imperfect and suffers, and that the offender’s hurtful actions will inevitably diminish his happiness. The response we choose is to love and respect the offender, despite her behaviors—even though we dislike those behaviors. Perhaps a smile replaces anger or indifference. Perhaps we eventually wish the person well or actively seek to serve the offender.
