If you have not heard already, one of our community's biggest advocates, Dax Shepard, is starting over. He relapsed on opiates after 16 years of sobriety. There was a time in my life when I would get mad at people that went back out. I thought it looked bad on our community when people relapsed, especially those that had a more public image. I didn't realize it at the time but my anger was rooted in fear. Fear for them, for me, and the fear that 12 step recovery may not work. This relapse has hit me particularly hard. I don't feel any anger, frustration, or disappointment... only sadness. I've cried a number of times since I listened to Dax's coming clean episode, Day 7 - the Armchair Expert. It just shines a spotlight on how easily we can slip, jump, or take a tumble off the wagon.
I've often fantasized about pulling everything down around me. Starting all over. The funny thing about starting over is, its an easy way out. Quitting is easy, starting over is easy, new relationships are easy, new careers are easy, changing a clean date is easy. What's hard is finishing, what's hard is long-term relationships, what's hard is staying stopped.
The fantasy of starting over is extremely complex because it centers around insecurity, self-worth, shame, and the fear of not being enough. On the other end of that insecurity is a BIG OL' EGO that says, I would never let that happen, I'm smarter than that, I've got it all under control, I've been clean for multiple years and know what I'm doing, I'm right and they're wrong.
Both of these situations are on opposite ends of the spectrum.... and the person you're meant to be is somewhere in the middle. The older I get, the more experiences I have, and the longer I stay on the road to recovery, the narrower the path gets. I must stay vigilant, I must continue to dig, and I must trudge the road of happy destiny.
Dax, I love you, I'm grateful for your contribution to my life and I support you. God's speed.
Follow our boy Dax @daxshepard @armchairexppod and his podcast - Armchair Expert https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/armchair-expert-with-dax-shepard/id1345682353
