This is another one of those episodes which, if you have small children around, you might want to wait to give it a listen. While I won't be overly graphic or terribly detailed, I will be discussing the abuse I suffered in my teen years. Tim Hein's book, Understanding Sexual Abuse, which I finished a month or so ago, was helpful to me as a survivor and as a pastor. Hein understands abuse because he's been abused and understands pastors because he is one. His final chapter is full of ideas for dealing with trauma and its repercussions.
About halfway through the book, as Hein talked about the psalms of lament, I stopped reading for a few moments. I picked up my guitar and began writing my own song of lamentation. The words, based partly on Psalm 13 and somewhat on my own roiling emotional response to abuse, question God. HOW LONG?
If you've asked that question, I hope my song and the words of this episode can lead you toward healing.
How Long? (The Lament of the Abused)
For many long years;
I’ve hidden how I feel; my shame is all that’s real.
How long, Lord? How long?
For many long years;
Pain has been my food; I cry out and no one’s moved.
How long, Lord? How long?
For forty long years;
Thoughts come unwelcome, unbidden, undoing me.
How long, Lord? How long?
For forty long years;
Memories flood my heart while hot tears flow down my face.
How long, Lord? How long?
For how many more?
Look on me and answer; give light to my soul before I die.
How long, Lord? How long?
For how many more?
I trust you in the darkness; your Spirit offers peace to me.
How long, Lord? How long?
How long, Lord?
2021 Mike Neifert (Written 40 years after my abuse ended)
