I speak to many people and I often hear the same thing, I asked how they were and they said “I am fine.” I’m sure you‘ve heard that from people and you have questioned if they were telling you the truth. That is what I experienced. When I look at what they say and the body language there is a disconnect in the story.
The reasons it looks like they are not “fine” is they have an unmet need. We as human beings must get these next needs met in some way. According to Tony Robbins, there are basic needs for us to stay alive, first is certainty, then excitement, significance, and number four is love or connection; these are basic needs and everyone finds ways to get these met. Whether they are met in a positive or negative way matters less than having the needs met. To be whole these needs are important to have met.
But there are two other needs that are higher needs, not needed to survive but needed to be happy, they are growth and contribution. These are needs that I’m not sure are being met in those who say they are “fine” but don’t look at it. These two needs are not always met, many people have existed without these being met. But because they do not feel fulfilled when it comes to growth or contribution there is something missing in their life. This is what makes me question if they are “fine.”
What are some reasons people would say I’m fine when they are not? Some people might think they are “protecting others” or they might believe others wouldn’t understand. I think many people don’t even know who they are lying to. This lie is to ourselves not to anyone else. It is easier and takes less courage to say “I’m good” then to be real and open, or to tell them that we are hurting. It is easier to put on this mask, than to face our fears. Could it be that it is easier to be concerned with how we look than let someone see the real us? Is this fib worth living?
So saying I’m fine is a way of meeting a need, one of those four. Could it be that it meets the need of significance when the need that is lacking is connection? You might feel significance by suffering in silence. It could also be that the “I’m fine” is a way that you find certainty. Is it a badge of strength? Some might find connection with those who are also saying they are fine. The lie I’m fine is one that can be used to hide many beliefs we hold about ourselves and others.
If you choose not to use the word “fine” for 1 month what would your life look like?
4 ways to change your mindset
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