Hey #TheJoshCast, I want us to talk about something that’s hard and controversial. Sometimes it can feel like cheating is built into the fabric of the male psyche, but none of the reasons men (and women) try to excuse their behaviour aren’t worth interrogation. Men hear the old adage “boys will be boys” so often that sometimes we believe the hype and treat it like a manifesto. Cheating, for example, isn’t exclusive to men but it’s definitely looked upon as something we’re much more prone to doing. But why do we do it? Is it “just because”?
Psycho-sexologist and psychosexual and relationship therapist Kate Moyle says, “The reasons for infidelity are varied and often unique to the situation, individual or couple; however, there may be other factors at play that influence the decision to act on the desire to cheat or motivate the person to take the step to stray.” How many times have we heard of a guy who is part of a supposedly perfect couple going ahead and cheating anyway? It’s just very us, isn’t it? Take Jay-Z, for example: if three albums’ worth of material is to be believed – Beyoncé’s Lemonade, Jay’s 4:44 and the pair’s collaboration Everything Is Love – then the megastar rapper himself played away from home, and he, it would seem, had everything to lose. Kate Moyle reckons no man is immune to wondering whether their needs might be better served elsewhere, no matter how cushy their current setup might be: “The culture that we currently live in promotes the idea of more, more, more and that the grass is always greener,” she says. “It can feel that we are metaphorically constantly looking through the looking glass into other people’s lives and relationships, and although we know it’s often a curated reality, we can’t help but compare ourselves and this can create expectations and disappointment.” Maybe our wandering eye comes from a reluctance to be tied down, a problem with committing or a relationship going too fast. Rather than confront the situation head-on, some men act out – the sexual equivalent of a toddler defacing a wall with crayons while you’re not looking. It’s like we want to be found out. While all infidelity can leave a scar, this is a pretty destructive reason for cheating. Saying it’s over will hurt, yes, but letting your partner discover your infidelity and do the dirty work for you is not the most grown-up of solutions. Perhaps it’s easier to deal with the shame of what you’ve done than try to explain why a relationship isn’t working for you, but the fewer landmines you leave in your wake, the better. Is this the kind of behaviour people expect from us? As men, we have a lot to live up to when it comes to sex. We’re pressured to be always-on, perma-aroused sex machines – think of the dubious scientific fact that a man thinks about sex every seven seconds, or the differences between talking about a man who has a lot of sex and a woman who does the same. Divorcee Marsha, who was married for eight years until her husband’s incessant infidelity broke them up, tells me, “Boys are taught they should go and see the world before they settle down – sow their wild oats – while women are supposed to dream of being a bride who’ll be there waiting when they’re done.” There’s a level of immaturity that seems to be accepted in men and a bogus assertion that we can’t control ourselves. Having a variety of sexual partners is seen as a badge of honour among some men and Marsha is not here for it. “It’s only when they get caught that they understand the real consequences of what they’ve done,” she says. “Most men wouldn’t care about anyone else if they weren’t caught.”
