A trick to get unstuck, when you want something of your partner, but feel like you’re not getting anywhere.
Transition your requests from labels to action.
Often, when we want to make an alteration in the relationship routine, we seek to alter the behavior of our partner. Even though seeking to alter our own behavior is the most effective approach to moving the relationship forward, after we’ve personally achieved the willingness we want from our partner, it becomes a wonderful experience to make requests and have them fulfilled. Although we can never coerce their behavior, there is much we can do to influence it. If you’re struggling to influence your partner into a behavior that would make life more wonderful for you, perhaps your not offering specificity. We’ll commonly make requests using labels, such as, “be more kind,” “love me,” or “don’t be like that!” When we use these labels, we know what we mean, but are you sure they know what you mean?
Not usually.
Words reference meaning we’ve attached to past moments. We use words like cars to transport the feelings we’ve associated with those past moments, in hopes of sharing those parts of ourself with our partner, for in sharing what’s alive in us, our joys are doubled and our pain is halved. We think of 2 or 3 specific experiences, and then put them in the car, and then drive it toward the one we want to know us. The problem is that once the car leaves your brain and enters the brain of your partner, 2 or 3 different experiences exit the car. The meaning that exits the car, or the word, once it enters the brain of the other, is from their past experience. They use that same word to reference other specific, observable incidents. Speaking of specific, commonly shared, neutral incidents, is the way to get through that.
I believe that most people want to make or keep like wonderful for you. Most are drawn to meet a need once they see it. But Words are more often blockage points than transmission points in human communication. Seeing a need is often harder than meeting a need.
Transitioning your requests from timeless labels to time-bound action generates real-time love.
Actionable requests force your relationship into the present moment, while timeless labels send your relationship into the ever-ache of past disappointments and future expectations . The saddest outcome of using labels in your requests, instead of specific actions, is that the one you want to move forward with CAN never know what he or she could have done to stay with you. Their brain simply unpacks different meaning from all the labels you’ve offered.
I’d love to hear about your success, so drop me a note or send me a voice message. You can do that through Anchor.fm.
