If you’ve listened to the episode titled Worthless Manfeeder, you know I come with a heavy family karma and when I took this trip back home, I had every intention to solicit my parents in aiding me to heal these wounds. I thought we would have full understanding and I could give them the cliff notes version of my last few year’s worth of self discovery, studies and awakenings. Now, this sounds really silly even to me as I’m saying this, but I honestly thought that I had a chance to connect with them on a deeper level and be able to come to the understanding that together we can tame this beast that has been hovering over our family - especially the women in my family - with the heaviness of self punishment and self hatred. The entire family narrative is that human beings are here to suffer through life, joy is not something that’s attainable, or even desirable. The more I suffer, the higher my self worth - or so does the story goes, but it’s actually quite the opposite. And years of beating myself with a whip trying to live up to some unattainable expectation, I feel defeated and quite frankly low on life force.
Needless to say, my attempt to get any form of understanding, compassion, let alone help in letting go of this weight has exhausted me even more, with nothing to show for. So here I am, me myself and I waking up from this self deception.
My first phychedelic experience left me with being shocked, quite sad and even depressed. Most people see the light and have life altering experiences, where as for me, there was nothing but space. Empty space. Darkness and no one or nothing to grab onto. Nothing to rely on and when this sunk in even more, it got me hopeless. But as times passed and I was able to integrate the experience, this emptiness, this vast space started to feel more freeing then scary. But it was “out there” somewhere in another dimension, right?
So back to here and now and the feeling of me myself and I. This felt very much like a letdown, almost started going down on the road of depression, but a couple of days of crying and really allowing to feel all the emotions that surfaced - and these emotions where of anger, hurt, frustration, sadness, loneliness, and everything in between - the dust started to settle and a new feeling emerged. And this feeling is not the feeling of some extreme high or low, but a very subtle calmness, similar to the feeling after the integration of the psychedelic experience. There’s nothing scary or sad or lonely about me, myself and I. It’s quite liberating actually. When this realisation sunk in to a deeper level, not on a needy, survival state, but much deeper, then it gave me a picture of complete freedom. This is what freedom is, this understanding that I have THIS moment to take a breath, to change it all, to leave it all, to take a step to make the leap. And it’s this moment, and when we take away the illusion the carrot that something or someone or some day is when this all comes together, then it’s nothing more then illusion. A lullaby, a story, to buy more time so that we don’t have to face this truth, face the inevitable - which has always been there is and it’s there now.
