We continue with the story of Avraham Avinu this week in Parshat Vayera. Three days after his brit milah (circumcision), Avraham is visited by 3 men who are actually angels.
One of these angels tells Avraham that he and his wife Sarah will finally have a child of their own — in a year, when they are at the ages of 90 (Sarah) and 100 (Avraham).
When Sarah hears this news, she laughs —
וַתִּצְחַ֥ק שָׂרָ֖ה, surprised that a pregnancy is possible even when Avraham is so old, “וַֽאדֹנִ֖י זָקֵֽן” ~ but my husband is old.
When Hashem retells this situation to Avraham, notice the difference. Hashem says that Sarah laughed, saying that SHE is old, “and *I* am old” ~ וַֽאֲנִ֥י זָקַֽנְתִּי, not what she originally said “וַֽאדֹנִ֖י זָקֵֽן”, referring to Avraham’s old age.
Rashi (Rabbi Shlomo Yitzchaki) points this out, explaining that G-d rephrased Sarah’s concerns to preserve the harmony between Avraham and Sarah. G-d didn’t want Avraham to feel like their barrenness was his fault. What do we learn from this? To lie? No, not really. We learn that 100% authenticity isn’t 100% the right choice 100% of the time.
On his podcast WorkLife, psychologist Adam Grant tackles a lot of subjects. In April, he made an episode on a topic I like a lot — authenticity.
He explains that our culture used to be all about only bringing your best self to work, but now, with the trend of Silicon Valley companies encouraging self-expression, we’re changing. Studies show that feeling like you can be your true self at work increases productivity and leads to less frequent burn-out. But there’s also evidence that the more you focus on yourself at work, the less effective you are. So where are we going wrong with our authenticity? Adam Grant gives 3 tips.
The first level of authenticity is emotional vulnerability. People like to see this, it humanizes you, but not always. Emotional vulnerability only works if you’ve already “proven your competence.” If you haven’t impressed your audience yet, vulnerability can only hinder you. In a study of lawyers interviewing for jobs, only those who were already in the top 10% of candidates did better when they showed their “true selves.”
On this topic, Adam gives tip 1: Authenticity without bounds is careless.
He discusses another case where a gossip website writer had to learn how to curb her bluntness, selectively choosing when to be 100% herself. This leads us to tip 2: Authenticity without empathy is selfish.
And then, using the case of a CIA employee whose “heretical” but forward-thinking views weren't being taken seriously, leads to tip 3: Authenticity without status and trust is risky.
By editing what Sarah said about her pregnancy, G-d was modeling authenticity with bounds AND authenticity with empathy. More on tip 3 later.
Next, the malachim who had been at Avraham’s tent rose to go to the cities of Sodom v’Amorah (Sodom and Gomorrah). G-d tells Avraham that the cities have sinned greatly and that G-d will destroy them. These cities were known as places devoid of kindness, hospitality, and goodness — filled with every kind of corruption known to us.
And yet Avraham says to G-d, “And you’d even destroy righteous of this city with the wicked? What if there are 50 righteous people in the city? You wouldn’t save the city on their merit?
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