Attn: 2 Girls 1 Cocktail Hosts
I must denounce the spurious proliferation of lies about the origin of the Tom Collins. REAL refreshment journalism would have quickly revealed that in 1862, my great-great-grandfather Rupert Haberschmidt invented the Tom Collins' Rejuvenation Tonic in Savannah, GA. Rupert, an itinerant apothecary and part-time soldier, created the concoction attempting to cure his knock knees while on Easter break from the war, and named it after his dear friend and roommate Thomas Collins. It was said to reduce the effects of joint maladies & other ill humors, and many health-conscious Georgians to this day drink 12 oz. every morning as a prophylactic.
Sadly, Rupert's cousin and rival, Jebediah Haber, long-prejudiced against Rupert's disability, stole the recipe and, predictably, outran him to the county post office to publish it. Haber, writing under the lewd pseudonym "Harry Johnson", misattributed its invention and downplayed its healing properties in the book you mentioned. So began a vast conspiracy to erase Rupert's legacy and ostracize the knock-kneed Haberschmidts of Chatham County. You might say we have been on our heels ever since.
THIS MICROAGGRESSION WILL NOT GO UNNOTICED OR UNPUNISHED. As Acting Secretary of the Chatham County Historical Committee, I demand you:- publish a retraction and tell the truth about Rupert Haberschmidt's invention of the Tom Collins- cease all ableist microaggressions and mockery of Knock-Kneed Americans and clearly affirm on your program: ALL. KNEES. MATTER.- publicly denounce the liar Jebediah Haber and his kinor else my lawyers will begin legal action.
Sincerely, Roweena Haberschmidt
Secretary (Acting), Chatham County Historical Committee
--Love, Auntie Weena
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Eli - Bombay - May 1, 2017
