Let’s have a little talk about self-doubt.
A wise philosopher said: “Self-doubt and selfism are the cheapest things I ever bought.” Actually, that is an Echo and the Bunnymen lyric, but still. Self-doubt is cheap, and it comes on quickly. And, like cheap processed food, it takes time to work its way out of your system and stays there if you don’t do something about it.
When you feel like you’ve screwed up, and especially when you feel like that screw-up undercuts your life, self-doubt is a big part of what keeps you stuck. The same is true if you are dealing with mental illness or even things done to you by other people. It is easy to doubt whether you have the power to change or fix anything.
1. Stop asking the Bad Why.
You start asking really unhelpful questions like “why me” or “why did I do that” or “why did I let that happen.” I’m not taking anything away from Simon Sinek. His “What is Your Why” TED talk is the stuff of legend, and his forward-facing why is what I call the “Good Why.” You have to watch out for the “Bad Why.” The Bad Why makes you the victim, even if it is the victim of yourself.
The Bad Why and all the self-doubt it fosters are killers. They kill your confidence. They kill your hope. They kill your motivation. That is what they did to me.
I most often experience self-doubt as negative self-talk. I start thinking things like “I’m not smart enough to do that” or “I haven’t accomplished enough for anyone to care what I say.” And it is just as bad when someone else is in your ear saying those same things.
2. Try affirmations, but make them believable.
Positive affirmations are one of those things that I thought were total BS. It always made me think of Stuart Smally. Believable positive affirmations, however, can be powerful. I wish I could remember where I got this concept, but your mind has a bullshit detector. If you feel like you can’t succeed, saying over and over that you can is going to sound and feel like a fib. Saying “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and, dog-gone-it, people like me” isn’t going to be that effective when you are stuck in a narrative of being incapable, stupid, and unlovable. So, instead of telling yourself you are smart when you feel too dumb to do something, try something like “I learned how to drive a car, so I can learn how to fly a plane.”
3. When your goal seems impossible, break it down.
Being stuck in self-doubt makes goals look unreachable. When you are in a crappy situation but can see where you want to go, it is hard to get yourself to your goal state when you doubt it is possible. For example, when you are broke, wanting to have $1,000,000 seems like a bridge too far. David Neagle has a very effective paradigm when it comes to achieving big goals. On a piece of paper, or, if you are younger than Generation X, on an electronic document, write your goal at the top and where you are at the bottom. The list the steps it will take to get from where you are to where you want to be. The key is to find the next step forward that is close enough to see as real or possible.
Sometimes, self-doubt has a clear cause. Maybe you have, I don’t know, bipolar disorder. Maybe you are in an abusive relationship with someone who constantly questions your value or ability. Or maybe you want to do something new like starting a business but don’t have all the skills you need to make it happen. Self-doubt, like Ogres and onions, has layers. Peel them back to find the core issue. If you have a condition, find out how to cure or control it. If you have an asshole partner, find a way to cut them out of your life (there are, after all, 50 ways to leave your lover). And if you want to start a business but don’t know how, look it up on The Google and figure out the steps.
