Boundaries essentially exist to help us stay true to who we are. Our boundaries help us decide what it is we want to do, who we want to hang around with, how we want to be viewed or perceived by others, and how we feel about ourselves.
Boundaries are something we need to create for every relationship we have, including with ourselves. We need to have boundaries with our romantic partners, we need boundaries with our parents, siblings, friends, colleagues, in-laws, and even children. Again, the idea is not to punish anyone, but boundaries help us teach others how to treat us by having a set of laws for what we will and will not tolerate. And there is not supposed to be any permissible violations based on your relationship with someone. There is no free pass just because someone is your mom, dad, sister, brother, spouse, or even child.
In that sense having boundaries is a multifaceted concept. You not only need to create the boundaries for your respective relationships, but you must also enforce boundaries when someone violates your boundaries regardless of their intent. And this is not an “if” - you will encounter people who WILL violate your boundaries, not because they don’t know they exist, but because some people get off on seeing how far they can push you. How far they can violate what you claim to stand for because some people get off on reactions. They like to watch others squirm, get uncomfortable, or even people-please.
When we grow up or are raised in toxic or dysfunctional environments, we’re so focused on surviving that setting boundaries seems like frosting on a cake - it’s delicious and enhances the flavor, but what is there to frost if you have no cake? In other words, what’s the point of having boundaries if you lost all of your family and friends enforcing them? That’s how I used to rationalize my lack of boundaries.
What I didn’t realize or understand was that my boundaries had been intentionally eroded by my narcissistic parent with the help of my narcissistic sibling. And since there were other types of dysfunction in my family of origin there really wasn’t any clear or level-headed adult speaking up for me or teaching me healthier ways of interacting with others and myself. So based on everyone around me and based on what I was told, I developed a belief that boundaries were only for romantic relationships.
If you have any questions about narcissistic abuse or the recovery journey that you would like to have answered on the show, please send an email to katie @ elevated aura.com or you can submit a voice message on the Healing Laughter anchor podcast homepage.
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