This morning I was listening to the Armchair Expert podcast with Dax Shepherd and Monica Padman because the show recently aired an episode featuring Prince Harry, and in this episode, Harry actually talks about some concepts that are huge in the narcissistic abuse recovery space - breaking the cycle, idiot compassion, and radical acceptance.
Now this particular episode is already making the headline rounds because Harry said that he recognized toxic cycles in his family of origin. Specifically Harry talks about how he can see that his Dad, Prince Charles, in particular was raised a certain way and that Harry is aware that it’s because of his father’s upbringing that his father has certain toxic behaviors that leaked into Harry’s upbringing. Harry even acknowledged that shame and trauma is something we genetically pass on to our children, so he was very kind hearted and sympathetic toward his father and his grandparents, but where he drew the line was when it started impacting Harry’s kids and family.
Harry said he didn’t understand why no one had ever tried to break these dysfunctional cycles before - especially when people like his father were claiming “it’s just how it was” or “it is what it is.”
Harry acknowledged that his decision to move out of his home country, to move away from the Royal Family, to give up all of his awards, titles, accolades, etc. was all part of his conscious effort to break the cycle for his family.
And while Harry never imagined he would have to move to Los Angeles in order to protect his wife from succumbing to the same fate that his mother lost her life too, this is exactly the situation where he’s found himself. In other words, Harry had to radically accept that this is maybe not how he hoped or imagined his life would pan out, but he’s focused on what is most important to him: his wife and his children, his family.
Harry chose to break the cycle of trauma - but he did so in a way that allowed room and respect for his father - who Harry knows is battling a lot of toxic traits and dysfunction - at least internally.
The one trap that Harry did not fall in that a lot of narcissistic abuse survivors and other targets of abuse fall into is this idea of idiot compassion - forgiving our abusers because they were abused or maybe didn’t fully understand the extent of pain and trauma they were causing us. But when we put the needs of someone else before our own, that is "idiot compassion."
A lot of people who grow up in toxic or dysfunctional homes hear this a lot. That’s just the way it is or that’s just how that particular family member acts or is. And for a lot of people who grow up in these kinds of environments, we mentally swallow a lot of pain and trauma, so consciously we’re not necessarily aware of how traumatic or dysfunctional our environment may be. But the thing is the body keeps score.
One tool that I like to use to help me understand what the stored trauma in my body may be trying to tell me is the website Spiritual Nutrition Dictionary. I love this site because they have a whole list of conditions, like truly more than you ever even imagined - I’ve looked up everything from seasonal allergies to thyroid conditions to knee pain, and if I’m truly honest with myself, the dis-ease behind the condition ALWAYS matches what I’m feeling - even if I wasn’t consciously aware.
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