Today on the show I want to explore the myth of the “good girl” or the “good boy” and how that depiction of ourselves as being either good or bad, can keep us stuck in abusive cycles and keep us addicted to toxic people.
As any good trauma therapist or narcissistic abuse recovery coach will remind you - we are not born conditioned to believe we are good or bad, or that anyone else is for that matter. It’s really only as we grow up - the shame we experience from family, friends, teachers, other kids, coaches, religious teachers, music teachers, - it all chips away at us feeling safe to be who we are.
Those of us who grow up in toxic situations cling to this idea of being a good girl or good boy because it gives us hope that we are lovable, likeable, and valued. It gives us a false sense of security that there are rules to the narcissist’s ever-changing games.
But in reality, all it does when we latch on to this idea that we are good is it keeps us stuck. It keeps us from exploring the world because we’re already deciding what is good, what is bad, without actually knowing, experiencing it firsthand. It also doesn’t leave any room for gray areas which is such a mistake because life and being a human is complicated.
Having premarital sex, smoking weed, having a drink or two - these are not bad things nor are you a bad person if you do any or all of these things. You’re also not automatically a good person if you’re a virgin who has never smoked weed or had a sip to drink.
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