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In this week’s episode the topic hits close to home as Kellie prepares for a deployment and Claire has recently shared on this theme at a local MOPS (Moms of Preschoolers) group. Listen in as they discuss some common fears about solo parenting and offer up practical tips for thriving through a forced separation when all of the parenting falls squarely on your shoulders. Hint: lots of self-care tips ahead!
Advice Not Given
- Kellie has had a seven year stretch since the last deployment; her kids were two and five months the last time her husband left for a long stretch--now they are nine and seven
- Claire’s kids were 5,7, and 9 the last time Ryan deployed
- Kellie makes the distinction between SINGLE PARENTING vs. SOLO PARENTING-- we know the difference and don’t want to assume this is the same thing
- Separations almost always come with an unpredictable sliding timeline for leaving and returning; this factor can add stress to everyone. We are all usually just ready to start the clock and get this underway; this unpredictability can have a huge ripple effect
- What are some common fears besides fear of safety for your partner? Fear of the unknown, you don’t know what you don’t know, and the things you take for granted…
- Kellie shares about how with the first day of her husband’s last deployment her dog had been accidentally poisoned and her car had been broken into; her tip--shadow the jobs your spouse does before he leaves so you can make sure you’re picking up the slack
- Claire shares about the urban legend of Deployment Curses
- Other anxieties: Can I handle this? When/Where/How will I get the downtime I need? Will I have enough patience? Will I be enough for my kids without dad?
- Kellie feels that her mission related fears have now been replaced with child and household fears due to what he’s doing and where he’s going
- Do you tend to operate with the idea that in a difficult situation like a deployment with the mindset of “this is an opportunity for me to shine and grow” or with a “good enough is good enough” mentality?
- Kellie and Claire say they love the freedom to let this time be BOTH; Kellie uses the time to get home projects finished because of the usual tug-and-pull of division of responsibility isn’t there
- Claire’s first tip: Create a Rhythm for Yourself--benefits include predictability for kids, it removes decision fatigue, and it give you as the mother a time for restoration and rest
- Kellie recognizes that rhythms are important; she predicts that she may need to adjust work hours, allocate her time better, and be aware of it
- Claire’s second tip: Mark the Time--set a weekly “thing” for you kids such as Pizza Friday or a potluck with friends or neighbors, also take a macro look at the time your spouse will be gone and put some fun things on the calendar for you and your kids to look forward to--birthdays, holidays, visitors, and vacations--she cautions against paper chains and jars of Hershey Kisses or Hugs as time markers
- Pro tip: give yourself a “word of the month” to recenter yourself on hard days
- Claire’s third tip: Prepare to Grow--get ready to gain confidence, gri
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