Grief Recovery Expert, Shelley McIntyre is a wealth of knowledge as an educator and a coach. She has a very unique perspective on change and challenges we face. During Shelly's work as a corporate strategist and product consultant she recognized a common theme- the obstacle to growth (in companies and individuals) were feelings surrounding CHANGE. Change is so threatening that it elicits a grief response for what once was.... a true sense of missing and yearning to recreate the same situation or experience.
Shelley creates systems and processes to normalize this feeling of loss and grief. In doing so, grief becomes normalized and not as overwhelming. The ability to name the feeling, talk about it, and identify where you feel it in YOUR body is an instrumental part of the acceptance process. In order to do so, we must let go of the myths around grief: that we need to be strong for others; power through it; have a glass of wine or drink to relax; replace it with food/toys/distractions/stay busy; time heals... All of these myths further isolate the individual going through this transition by externalizing the solution vs. turning inward.
There are ways you can have a conversation with your loved one and process some of your grief if they are still here! Three ways to address the grief you are experiencing: 1) Share and discuss positive memories and stories with them. Assume they can hear and understand everything even if they have reduced or no verbal skills. 2) Apologize for a prior situation- if a positive experience- for example, where your loved one deserved praise or recognition for their supportive nature to you. 3) Ask for forgiveness through a letter that you write but do not give them OR find a trusted person to stand in as a heart with ears! Never ask for forgiveness to your loved one's face... because you never know how it will land.
Here are a few reminders of what to do (or not do) as we journey through these transitions with our loved ones with Dementia and their losses in turn become our grief too. 1) Remove expectations- get rid of the shoulds; everyone progresses at their own pace and in their own order! 2) Accept your feelings. The only way to move forward is to go THROUGH it. 3) Calendar the meaningful dates in advance: birthday, anniversary, holidays, etc. Then, plan in advance how you will manage your self care and the activities for the day overall. YOU choose... do not wait for it to just happen. 4) On days when you are having challenging moments, look across a long distance, an open space. This provides a bit of distance, perspective to your vision and creates space and hope. 5) Feet on the floor. Really feel them grounded and rooted. 6) Rub your belly slowly 7) Humming either alone or do so with another person.
Healthy options to Flight, Fight, Freeze, and Fawn: Flight- go for a brisk walk or hike when you feel like you want to bolt. Freeze- lay down, nap, or meditate. Fight- scream in the pillow, jumping jacks, something that gets your heart rate up. Fawn- make a list of gratitude... even the smallest things matter.
If we do not do this work Shelley McIntyre says the pre-existing grief keeps piling up and compounding for each new experience. Our bodies and souls carry and store it at a cellular level. Instead, use these methods and techniques for support as you step into YOUR life with continual radical acceptance of what IS and keep the LOVE! Reach Shelley on IG @griefisnormal or https://shelleymcintyre.com
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