Have you ever had something happen and you reacted in a way that was over the top from what the situation called for?
Or, you’re not even sure why you reacted a certain way to a situation?
Have you ever had someone close get annoyed with you like you broke a rule but you had no idea what you did wrong?
As a child you probably had some rules you followed such as rules about curfew, chores or homework. There are also rules of engagement, like how you speak to others, how you handle emotions or which parent is responsible for dishing out the consequences.
But there are rules that you unknowingly broke and then were surprised by the extreme reaction. That’s what we’re going to be talking about today.
Today is for you if…
If you’re tired of the rules of engagement being a moving target.
If you desire healthy, happier relationships with your loved ones.
If you’re ready to open the lines of communication so you get the elephants out of the room for good.
There is a thing called Unspoken Rules. These are rules that no one actually talks about but if someone breaks one, watch out.
Children are great observers but horrible interpreters.
They learn these rules by watching parents emotions, words and actions.
Common Unspoken Family Rules:
DON’T TALK
This family rule means don’t have conversations about uncomfortable topics.
Certain areas of discussion are off-limits.
This breeds secrecy and hiding, both inside the family and outside as well.
DON’T FEEL
Another way a child can absorb this unspoken rule is by observing parents’ strong reactions to negative emotions. Then you think it’s not ok to have these emotions.
If your parent becomes abusive while angry, you might avoid ever getting angry.
If you had a parent who was consumed by sadness or depression, you may have learned to be the positive one who brought up the mood, and sadness feels foreign to you or like it’s not ok to feel.
BLAME-SHIFTING
Become the scapegoat, taking on the blame for other people’s issues.
If you speak up as a child against these family rules, you get targeted. Whistle-blower.
If you talk about your parent’s problem to a teacher, for example, your parents may punish you severely and blame you for the problems the parent is now facing.
You’re told consequences are your fault for speaking up.
Know that is the parent's fault not yours. You were right to speak up.
DENY ANY PROBLEMS
Shove problems under the rug and pretend they aren’t affecting you.
Phrases like “stop making such a big deal out of it.”
BOYS SHOULD BE… GIRLS SHOULD BE…
Have you hear phrases like “boys will be boys” or “girls should be prim and proper”?
How did your parents handle gender roles? We learn by observing.
APPEARANCES ARE EVERYTHING
Family focused more on the external than the internal.
You had to put on a good face even when there are problems at home, addiction, or arguing.
YOUR VALUE COMES FROM WHAT YOU DO
You learn that academic achievement, financial success, Christian service, or some other measure of external success is what makes you worthy or valuable.
So what are the unspoken family rules you experienced growing up?
Name these rules so that you can break the patterns and create clear communication.
Questions to ask yourself:
• What were topics that were off-limits for discussion in your family?
• What emotions were unacceptable in your family?
• Did you learn to shut off any negative emotions? Which ones? Why?
• Where do you tend to place blame when something goes wrong? Yourself? Others?
• What gender roles did you learn from your family?
• When do you find yourself putting on a mask to pretend everything is okay on the outside?
• Is it okay for you to make mistakes? Where does your value come from?
If you enjoy this podcast, please rate, review or share it with a friend.
You’ve got this, and Father’s got you!
Thanks a Bunch for listening!
Until next time, Live Fearlessly Free
