The only genuine fundi is also, the most famous man to have graced the earth. The original Fundi Wa Mbao. It is not his fundiness that made him famous though. History records no client that ever said this about him, “Aki si Jesus makes great couches.” He was a fundi because his (earthly) father was a fundi. So even the most genuine fundi to have graced the earth was not even a fundi. Which goes to tell how fundis and the whole fundi fraternity is a big scam.
Your back of the street kawaida fundi is like a Kenyan man. He is generally specific. It is an oxymoron to say generally specific and that is what the Kenyan man is—an oxymoron. He says many things without saying many things. He is a walking contradiction. A thesaurus of veiled issues. To unravel the Kenyan man is to stir the hornet’s nest. And so is trying to unravel a fundi. It is bad if that fundi is a man. Worse if that man is Kenyan. And worst if that Kenyan fundi man is Luo. It is a cocktail of heartbreaks carefully covered under the sheers of deceit and lies. The truth is that they will pull wool over your eyes immediately you make the deposit.
It doesn’t matter what that fundi’s craft is about: clothes, furniture, shoes, women’s heart (especially women’s hearts). On a scale of 0 to Willy Paul(being a gospel artiste), your fundi will always have lies to tell you. From, “kesho nitakua saa sita nimemaliza” to “nimetengenezea watu wengi sana kitu kama hii,” to “Mimi hua sikai na kitu ya mtu for over 24 hours.” A fundi is a stoichiometric equation with zero chances of balancing the Sodium and the Chlorine just to make salt. Their task is basic until you get theirs results then they will tell you, “niliona niweke miguu tatu kwa hii meza yako badala ya nne ndio ikue more stable.” No balance( is it too soon?)
Time is never on the side of the Kenyan Fundi. It doesn’t matter if you placed an order 7 months before the deadline, or two days. The promise remains the same, that they will finish on time. Then they finish behind time, or they don’t finish at all. And you have to back home and cry after following him up for days of months.
If everything went according to plan, Eddy Ashioya would have graduated from Moi University looking like P. Diddy. He had a suit idea he lifted from a photo of P. Diddy and Jay-Z. His fundi understood the Diddy part and he executed it very well. It is the P in P. Diddy that the fundi didn’t care about. And so, Eddy ended up looking like B. Diddy on his graduation day. Which is the Kisii version of P. Diddy (not Embarambamba).
Brian ended up with a dining table that looked more like a butcher’s block than a dining table. The fundi assumed since both tables involve cutting of meat they could as well look the same. The result is that Brian went into fasting to pray for the fundis and their apprentices when he was shown his beloved, made in Kenya by a Kenyan fundi dining table.
Ndugu attended a wedding in a crop top. A crop top because his fundi Ojwang’ did not know when to stop when he started cutting the shirt’s material. He kept going and going.
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If you are planning to dress to kill during our next live show which happens on The 1st of July at Baraza Media Lab at Keystone Park on 95 Riverside Drive, please go to the fundi NOW! He has the next two months and six days to lie to you. If you are planning to stick to the theme of the show, please put on your mom jeans. This is for women. But since this is an equal opportunity podcast, we will not lock out the men that fancy mom jeans. Tickets go for 1,500/- for lone tickets, 2,500/- for a couple’s ticket and 5,000 for a group of 5. Buy via Buy Good 5620115.
And now ladies and gentlemen, here is your weekly dose of laughter.
