7th October 2022, the 1st Anniversary of the passing of my husband
The anticipation of this date loomed way before it was present in my reality. It consumed most of September based on the enormity I had made out of the event. (And let's be real, probably a lot of August as well) I had created this projection of what I thought it would be, how bad it will feel, how horrifying it would be to go through.
And guess what? It delivered.
Last week was the most horrendous weeks of my life on a physical, spiritual and emotional level. However, it was the day before this looming anniversary date, that nearly killed me.
Being frozen in a memory playing over and over in my mind. Did I cause this? Could I have done more? Why did he leave me? Why does this hurt so much? …
The physical pain was like someone stomping on your chest in a Size 10 Jimmy Choo, thinking there was a fire that they needed to put out.
The spiritual pain was relinquishing all connection to the universe and my energetic existence and make me so far away from reality that I thought that I would be able to fly if I could jump off the top of the house.
The emotional pain drawing on every single low vibrational frequency it could find, tying them all up into a fur ball, then shoving it down my throat so that I could no longer breathe.
To say it was hard, or it was painful would not give it any justice. It felt like it hurt more than the actual event.
I thought that having spirituality on my side and having all this healing work down pat would make me such an expert to be able to go through this. Hahahaha, nope - it felt like it made it so much worse.
I was done.
I gave my husband and the universe 24 hours to show me something.
Anything.
A reason.
A purpose.
An answer.
Otherwise, what was the whole point of this experience?
BUT OF COURSE!
Something was delivered to me on such a grand scale, that it was like watching the matrix code all fall into place of my existence. All the cells in my body started to fire up. My DNA started to adjust and shift. I could feel things move and change in a way that I cannot put into words.
I found the answer.
I always thought I was different, I mean I am sure so many people do. I never fit into the boxes or the categories like everyone else and I never wanted to. Even in the spirituality world where we are all love and light, I still feel like it wasn’t right. I always thought I was so rebellious to not be like everyone else, to have something different to say.
But now it all makes so much more sense. I am not meant to fit into any box. I am not meant to keep chasing the light. I am the light, but I find mine in the dark.
I am not here to draw on what already is, I am here to create something new.
I illuminate and alchemise my shadow in the dark. Allowing the emergence of the most purest and brightest light, my truth.
There’s so much more to come.
If you want to hear more about this journey, listen in now.
