When we were small, we could go out to the swings or share toy cars, and we were friends. Later, we could sit together for hours—maybe talking, playing games, or simply enjoying each other’s company in silence. We weren’t afraid to be ourselves or to open up to others. Or maybe we were, and the problem only grew worse. Now, as adults, we find ourselves freakishly busy, terribly lonely, desperately wanting to see and be seen, to love and be loved... but how?
Ahshuwah Hawthorne has spent his entire adult life building bridges—between people, communities, and ideological traditions. Drawing on the Bible, Tolkien, Aristotle, and his extensive understanding of how humans form and communicate their beliefs, he offers a vision of male friendship.
We begin with the belief that friendships are invaluable and that we all need people who truly know us. Achieving this requires both risk and effort. Moving a friendship beyond the “consumptive stage” into a deeper, more connected one means first exposing an important value or part of your personality. It also requires at least one person to actively pursue the other. Lastly, this effort must be sustained over time.
Rhys and Ahshuwah discuss holding appropriate—and appropriately flexible—expectations for how others connect with us and what each friendship can offer. They advocate for more intentional and active steps to “go there,” venturing into vulnerable territory. They value friendships that can comfortably be casual but also rise to meet the demands of a crisis. They see it as priceless to have a few people in life who dare to ask the hard questions and in whose presence “there’s room to be less than perfect.” Additionally, they emphasize the importance of friendships leaving the virtual sphere and entering a physical “meet space,” including interactions like shared martial arts practices.
Ahshuwah Hawthorne can be found on Twitter at @iahsh, through his company Brilliance Labs, or on his podcast Jesus and the Upper Left Multiply PDX at Apple Podcasts.
The Outer Circle Inner Stillness is made possible by support from listeners, patrons, likes, and shares. To learn more about how to support the podcast, visit my patreon.
Rhys Pasimio can be found on Instagram, or at his website.
He is always happy to dialogue with listeners bringing honest questions!
