Here's a scenario. One partner is in active addiction. They he or she gets into recovery. But that person has a partner who's been hurt, deceived, betrayed, and really confused, and now that partner is asking...how do I know my partner is making ANY progress in sobriety at all?
For that matter, the person in recovery may be asking of themselves, “How do I know I’m getting any better?”
Rhys and Ian reflect on shared experiences of acting out, recovery, laboring for greater healing, and working to define, and sometimes re-define, what is sobriety in our individual lives.
Defining progress means first defining the problem.
We discuss the way that a person engages with a substance or behavior, whether that be alcohol, weed, porn, media in general, food, legalism, or other things. Rhys introduces the question, "What is the desired effect of [behavior of choice]?"
Rhys says, "The same substance, used for a different desired result, affects how the relationship with it is."
Most recovery programs have a foundational concept of abstinence. We discuss the "Just stop it," approach to Acting Out and whether or not it actually works. We explore more gentle and mindful approaches that tend to work better.
One problem with this approach is that people take the attitude of, "Well, as long as I just stop [this one behavior]...then I'm good," and don't pursue any further growth or change.
We rant on the limits to accountability software, and how this resource is good and fine, but an over-reliance on it can shortchange the growth process. Ian calls is a game - "Here's another fun thing to hack!" Rhys says it is, "A lazy approach to one's own soul." When it comes to establishing boundaries with the internet in support of abstaining from porn, Rhys is in favor of, "If you're gonna limit access...then REALLY limit access," up to and including removing the internet from your house.
An abstinence approach tends to invoke the "White knuckling method," which Ian describes as "Really thin protections against the deeper, weighty reasons for addiction."
Ian reflects on the interactions between emotional development and spiritual development, and how some church cultures - in their pursuit of a rigid holiness - have sometimes prevented adequate emotional development, and promoted shame. We reflect on how a more open, and compassionate approach to spiritual growth that normalizes struggle and provides easily accessible venues to openly discuss them, can save us from shame, and help us become healthier.
Predictably enough, Rhys gets on the IFS soapbox and encourages us all to consider with compassionate curiosity, all our parts...even the ones that Act Out.
When a person who is a system can realize they are a system, they can escape a multitude of confusing and chaotic experiences.
This podcast relies on the partnership of listeners - especially with dollars! Please visit www.patreon.com/outercircle to learn how to partner with the vision of this show!
Rhys Pasimio can be found through www.newpatterncounseling.com, and is always happy to dialogue with listeners bringing honest questions!
Ian Nelson can be found on Instagram at @iansonofwe (Note, in the episode, he says Iansonofnel, but he has changed his handle since the recording of this episode.)
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