People tend towards two errors. They think they have to be SO unique and special…or they think they have to conform to all the standards around them. Hyper-individualism, uniqueness taken to its extreme, will leave people feeling isolated, burdened, and vulnerable to relapse. Hyper-conformity, especially to unhealthy group and society expectations, can also steer a person towards all sorts of unhealthy, burdensome life narratives that can also leave them vulnerable to relapse.
Jeremy Jones is a therapist, community builder, and DND gamemaster in New Mexico, with years of experience facilitating recovery groups. He and I have a delightful dialogue about uniqueness, normality, and the human balance between them.
Some notable notes -
“What does it mean to experience uniqueness to the point of isolated suffering, that we are too unique and do not feel that there is either a place where we can be accepted, or where we can belong?” - Jeremy poses a really good question.
We further ponder, Where does uniqueness act as a barrier to recovery? What is the cost of an attitude expressed as, “Why do I need to hear from others about their experiences when I know exactly what I’ve experienced?”
Jeremy points out, when we experience mutual vulnerability, or a willingness to put ourselves on the line, it’s the full acknowledgement or acceptance that we can be hurt or healed simultaneously.
Rhys observes that focusing on differences tends to prevent a relationship. Focusing on what is held in common, tends to bind people together. He further reflects that, “When I hold on to my uniqueness, I feel like I’m holding onto something special, even if it’s my badness. I feel reticent to let anyone be as bad as me, because that’s the thing I have to hold on to that makes me special, or gives me worth, or makes me memorable.”
And when we consider growth in general, “Getting through a thing, rather than just past it, emphasizes that we are on a journey, and we are on it together.”
Jeremy reminds us, “We have all lived and survived the worst day in our lives so far. How might we recognize that in every single person that we meet? That this person has already survived the worst day in their lives so far?”
We often carry the burdens of uniqueness because we like the idea of being in control of our lives…until we are then also entirely responsible for all the consequences of our actions. Rhys reflects on his journey into the Orthodox faith and the relief and freedom he found when he was no longer tasked with inventing and reinventing his own worldview and value system from scratch.
The challenge with uniqueness is that saying, “I’m unique,” usually also means having to say, “I’m special! I’m extraordinary!” The reality is that if you actually are extraordinary, then that will be readily obvious, without you trying hard to show it.
“When we think we are special, we don’t want to learn from other people, because what do they have to offer? And that’s such a limitation that we put on ourselves, to not believe we can learn from anyone.”
But to be perpetually a learner…means we can always learn!
This podcast relies on the partnership of listeners - especially with dollars! Please visit www.patreon.com/outercircle to learn how to partner with the vision of this show!
Rhys Pasimio can be found throughwww.patreon.com/outercircle and on instagram at @newpattrencounseling and is always happy to dialogue with listeners bringing honest questions!
Jeremy Jones can be found at www.thinkingaboutthoughtscounseling.com and on instagram @tatcounseling
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