28th of July.
I had my "End of Probation Chat" at 6:30 pm Tuesday 28th of July. I went in with a solid frame of mind, after 2 weeks off to re-calibrate and doing two solid days of work. I re-framed the situation and went in knowing exactly how I'd ask for a raise.
I was let go.
"We have bad news." were the first words she said, as empathetically as she could muster.
I was really calm throughout. And it didn't bother me so much. I listened well, I told them my piece and I left with a smile on my face. I even mentioned "It's fine, the ego needs to" I breathed. "Stay dead." while doing the finger motion in-front of my chest. I didn't try to convince them to keep me, if they can even consider letting me go. It bothered me how much they apologized.
Seeing it now, it feels like I didn't talk about exactly the right thing. He said that he's letting me go because the position requires a lot more than my current experience, that my potential didn't grow into in time, which is bullshit, it's because he felt like he couldn't rely on me to do the work that needs to be done after taking a 2 week vacation because my toe almost broke. Although i always did everything he ever asked of me. He didn't ask me in the right way nor did he give me the professional feedback I always asked of him.
From someone I was fiercely loyal to but didn't completely fit with. I over-estimated him, his boss, and how much I could have learned from these people, they're just weak, preoccupied and selfish with themselves like most others, or at least I saw a side to them that I didn't like and I was alienated very quickly afterwards.
It's a fun game. I recorded this directly afterwards. I took a long walk, found a beautiful graveyard, sat down on a tree hunk and talked.
What a narrative I had in my head, and what a narrative I have now.
A part of me is very glad my illusions keep crashing down.
But what makes these illusions different from reality? I was there, working, every day. Almost like a dead person but doing my best to keep what I feel is valuable about myself alive. I wouldn't have quit willingly, but now that the bandage is taken off, I'd never willingly put it back on either.
I would have endured if I was still in it, but now that I'm not I'm very glad for the freedom.
Who's to say anything is an illusion? All I know is that I shouldn't have worried or thought about any of it so much. Or cared to prove anything to anyone in any way. Or to make anyone like me for any reason. Everyone liked me, and that clearly helped my case (sarcasm). The one person I thought should like me really did, but for all the wrong reasons, and I didn't see it coming from him. I guess I assume people I trust trust me back and know me for who I am. Anything he wanted to say I would have listened, he just didn't. And I don't think that's on me.
I remember asking him for three days off when my toe almost broke, I was nervous to even ask, and he didn't help in making me feel good about it, and then he only gave me two. He didn't bother to ask me directly afterwards why I thought I needed it, or to empathize and listen in any way. I then went out and got two weeks for my own. No wonder.
I'm not complaining though. What happened happened as it needed to. And I'm glad it did.
Really starting another chapter.
Let's do it.
Love you Khalood.
