I was really okay with letting all go.
But I won't, and I'm not going to.
Not now.
Recorded Tuesday night, the 23rd of February 2021.
I had felt like I lost my job the night beforehand, and slept in kind. Thinking of the path I'd take if otherwise.
Going to Jordan, where I'd lock myself in a room in a rented house with no internet for 3 months, and write, day and night. Exist only for my writing. And come out if it with what I come out of it.
I accepted that reality on the night of that Monday, and slept with a peace I didn't know in a long time.
I think what I'm really afraid of, when it comes down to it, is to lose the creation that I see in me if I stay and submit to all of this around me. The cycle it puts you in and what it demands from you.
But what am I saying?
I do feel like.. I tend to burn myself in no good direction when I want to try and create and think about creation as often as I do.
The moments I crave are the moments where I see the thoughts of creation come so easily, the words spoken in a scene and the emotion and feeling behind all of it. Connecting with the narrative already built, and building on to it.
But am I learning in the way that matters these days?
I am learning, always, about myself and the things happening around me. How I cope and deal with my thoughts and the moments and how I move on. And see what I can take to add into myself. But also, very importantly, how I can separate from the whims of the reality I inhabit. The housemates that demand a certain level of attention, and the nights they spend together talking and uselessly indulging. To separate from that and to write into what matters instead. What do I need now versus what would I need later to be in the state of building the thing I need to build the way I build it.
The writers and poets who saw all those things, the missing links between moments and people moving in parallels who know not of what the other is going through. And things collide. Wants emerge, stories begin to be imagined.
It can be a good life.
With it a pain.
The update is, I haven't lost my job, I spoke with my manager and had a good talk, and I'm glad for what happened.
There's a new found energy there. And I have to live for the here and also the later. As always.
