I think it's time to inject some personal stuff into this context creation only just in general though because I'm not really ready to get particular but what happened lately was that Mets on that I was interested in more than just a friend and it felt like this energy was taking me over like this strong desire that I haven't really experienced in awhile which could be med related or just I don't generally get myself into those situations but I felt myself getting way ahead of myself for sure and then the thing was that I felt like I needed to know if the person felt the same way and it was so strong and and then we met up again and it was just really indicative by their behavior that there was that kind of connection which is not really anybody's fault if it's not there it's not there so I feel a lot better today because we met up another town recently and I was sort of noticing the disconnection and it made me feel uncomfortable because I wanted to be connected and then in the space between that meeting and the next one I sort of determined well I'm going to find out if there's a connection or not for for sure and so I did certain things that was sort of like testing out the connection and and there was no connection and so when I got home I felt very maybe I guess like disappointed in myself for getting ahead of myself and it was pretty uncomfortable and then today I feel a lot better because i feel like well i know that there's no connection so I can move on where is the time the days in between the two meetings I didn't really know and I was wanting to know and I was sort of disappointed in myself for not knowing for sure that other time and then in the time have been between I was quite uncomfortable and it's not really disappointed in myself I'm just I'm trying to take a responsibility I'm trying to have a word that takes responsibility for my feelings because it's not the other person's fault for not feeling that sort of connection and so I'm not sure if we'll hang out again or not cuz I'm not really sure what was happening and and that's okay too it's not the first time that's happened it won't be the last but in the days in between it was really strange I was I had these sensations and these energies going through me like actually like physical pain like I had this like burning sensation in my body and all these different painful sensations that almost reminded me of so-called psychosis sometimes our so-called anxiety but really extreme and it felt like my whole body and DNA energy and entropy was just being reorganized and I wasn't sure if it was being reorganized to be more open to being vulnerable with a person or it also reminded me of a time when I felt really strongly connected to someone about six years ago and it didn't really end well I just remember how strongly I was attracted to this person and and it ended in such a way it was only a friendship but it ended in such a way that I never really processed those strong feelings I just sort of was like wow this isn't something that I can continue with it all and just like dropped it and actually never really thought about it another second in terms of that person and it almost felt like I was back in those last moments of hanging out with that person actually think i saw them one more time but it felt like some of the fallout from that it felt like maybe i was taken back to processing some of that and there was a lot of pain so it was really what I sort of realized was that pleasure as desire really is pain because I was feeling strong desire and then I was feeling really strong painful so called anxiety and actually body pain and physical pain to the point where I had to take PRN to sleep and I haven't taken that pure in for a couple of days just to make sure I get rest and and so it just really showed me that that pleasure is pain because and that desire [Music] it felt like my body was starting to make those biomolecules of that strong desire an
