I've made a few videos today and I was thinking a little bit about the modality of video and kind of liking it because it's a way to have conversation and I'm having conversation at this point just with myself and it could be several months before I put this on anything where another person can listen to what I'm saying or I might never do it i'm not sure but even in playing back some of the videos to myself and listening to what i was saying and I don't plan on exactly what I'm going to say I have a general idea of something that I want to elaborate on but by listening to myself speak I realized that it's almost a way to have a conversation with myself so I had that conversation with the video camera and it was sort of it came out of nowhere in a way and then I listened to it after and it's almost like hearing the conversation for the first time and so I'm actually in a way benefiting from listening to my own video because I'm listening to how I decided to speak what it was that I wanted to elaborate on and some of the things that I say are our new in my mind where some of them I already thought of before so I like that aspect it's almost like having having that as priming for myself because sometimes I feel rather blanked about everything and in this way I can almost reinforce my views I guess it's kind of strange to have my self reinforcing my own views and over the years I've done some research on the topic and I've done quite a bit of writing and I find writing difficult because it's very linear it's it's got to be polished and I just said it's got to be and I don't even think that's a real sentence yet I can get away of saying it because it's a conversation and I like that conversational aspect and and really I just want to I just want to talk about looking at mental health differently and I have a diagnosis of bipolar one and I really feel that I can still utilize my diagnosis and at the same time talk about increased and ever-expanding ways to talk about experiences that I've had based on having this diagnosis and as a result of it so I feel like what I want to talk about is just expanding and elaborating on my diagnosis and my a subjective experience and there's usually not much of an opportunity to do that by so by making videos I have that opportunity and another thing I want to do perhaps is translate some of the things that I've written into video because again a lot of my writing isn't polished and then sort of separate ideas and I don't know if I really have anything to write that's polished that's like a perfect message of some kind my main messages you know who wants to think and feel and see mental health differently and talk about it differently and share about it differently it's not oh this is how you should think about it well this is how you should share its where's the sharing beyond just this is my recovery story this is how I recovered and these were my symptoms and this is what I'm doing now to feel better what about the inner subjective experience of it and really inviting conversation about it and making it as normal as talking about the dream you had last night and you know maybe it's a long dream maybe it went on for 30 days but it's still an experience and a lot of it is very harrowing tales and so just inviting conversation and talking about it and and again I feel I can say yes I have a brain disease if that's what you want to say I have you can't prove it by any test and I can't prove it by my experience that it's actually true but some authority figure is telling me that it's true so I'll say okay sure but I still have some great stories to tell and I still have more to share about it than just that one little snippet of explanation sure that's a great explanation but that doesn't mean that I don't have anything else to share about it and um I feel like talking about it more we'll invite a different way of looking at it and that doesn't mean that it's to the exclusion of that brain diseas
