seroquel, people, psych ward, feel, medication, clubhouse, talk, brain, worse, mania, hospital, terrifying, vaccines, chaos, experience, video, state, suffering, point, induce
It's been nine days since I've talked to myself in this way. And I probably could have talked to myself a little bit sooner but I wasn't sure if it was a good idea. The day after I made my last video I went into full PTSD, flash flashbacks, and and usually I would be talking about psychosis. But it was different this time, it was more like a flashback. It's like I could hear what I was saying to myself when I was unconscious. And I won't go into the details of that, because I feel I'm still in fragile state. Usually, when I go into a crisis of some kind, I, I dissociate and I just sort of sit there and I feel like I'm a homeless person. I don't feel like myself. This time was different. I definitely felt like I was me. And I was at home and I was getting ready for the day and I was gonna make some videos. And then go out for the day because I was feeling a little bit sensitive. And I was actually watching a little bit of my videos from the 10 days prior to that video, and I was actually talking about an experience where I woke up scared and then just waited it out. And I talked about maybe taking a Seroquel, PRN. But I didn't and and then it just gets to a point where I just am in a place where I just lost and terrified. And I remember the days before I was watching a program online about vaccines, and I think I talked about it a little bit. But there was this one scene where there's little boy was smacking himself in the head. And when I get into that state of sensitivity, I feel one with everything. And to see that it just really hit me it was like, Oh my god, what are we doing to the children. And I don't mean just with vaccines, whether they're good or bad, who really knows. I feel like it's more of a gesture of thinking we know more about biology, Gaia, ecology, human health, then nature itself. But anyways, I felt strongly that I could actually hear the boy trying to say, my brain, my brain, like it's in my brain. And like, and he was actually trying to communicate even though he just looks like he's flailing around, that gesture is still communicating something. And what it how I felt when I saw that I just I just I I felt like oh, it just the immensity of it. I can't, I can't describe it. Whether it was caused by a vaccine or some something else, genetics environment, is still communicating something these kids, when they get transformed into that, however, that happens, it's still communicating something. And these poor children. But I don't want to think about that right now. And kind of what that showed me is it's very difficult for me to take in information from the outside. And I already researched the vaccine stuff years ago, and I decided it's not for me. I feel like I'm sensitive to it. And I actually feel like some of my troubles could be even leftover mercury in my brain because I received the first round of hepatitis B vaccinations when I was in grade six. So there was definitely mercury in that. And I feel like it can have a delayed reaction. It can be in the Brain kind of dormant. And then if there's some kind of trauma or stress, then it gets, it gets activated somehow. But that's mainly what I'm thinking about really. I do feel like I need to get back to taking better care of my body putting more nutrition in it, though, it doesn't really seem to matter that much. Because I was doing really well health wise when I've had my first so called relapse two years ago. And so this one I just had, I managed to finish getting dressed and and get myself to the mental health clubhouse I'm a part of and talk to someone there and then take a Seroquel calm down a bit, and then somebody gave me a ride to where some of my family lives. And I laid in a bed and had the most intense, internal chaotic suffering I've ever experienced in my
