Good Feels — THC seltzer & drops: FREAK = 20% off at shop.getgoodfeels.com (21+)
On Today’s Show
Which one of Tim’s siblings has a… bonus hole?
Why winning the lottery might be the fastest way to wreck your life
A police standoff settled with a Dairy Queen Blizzard
“Helping a duck get away with murder” (a dramatic reading!)
Voicemails galore
A vintage-style talk-radio mashup veers into conspiracy screeds, culture-war nonsense, and extremely ill-advised “solutions,” before we kick into DV proper.
Patricia update: Successful thyroid/lymph node surgery at Cleveland Clinic (huge relief). Big kudos for their signage, workflow, and real-time status board/text updates.
Rant: Cleveland Clinic eateries = wall-to-wall “zero sugar” sodas, while everything else is sugar bombs. Make it make sense.
KFC mobile order hell: Tim vs. “ghost-town” staffing, a mobile order held hostage behind the counter, and the frailest customer in Ohio wheezing through the lobby. Tim’s patience (and germ avoidance) are tested; the chicken ultimately reaches Patricia.
Craig casually drops: “Dad said I was born with a tail… also I kinda have an extra hole.”
Tim Googles live on the scene: likely sacral dimple (usually harmless if shallow; red flags if deep, draining, painful, or hairy). Possible pilonidal situation if it’s a deep pit; worth a doctor’s look.
Tim really wants to “examine” the evidence; nearby stranger nopes out of the conversation.
Sponsor: “Brokeback Listener” (long-time DV degenerate since 2008)
Bit: Tim performs “Rogering Mrs. Rabbit” as Timmy Hopps with Rodder Pay portraying Lord Duck.
Premise: Love, crime, and a three-foot murder weapon in a shrub. Also: moral calculus between a promised BJ and a $1.5M reward. Theatre is alive and well, unfortunately.
The Curse of Sudden Riches
A UK scratch-off winner hits ~£1M+, quits the job, parties nonstop, and ends up hospitalized with bilateral pulmonary emboli. Near-death wake-up call → vows to rebuild routine and health. Tim’s advice: if you “only” win ~$1–2M, live below your means and keep structure.
DQ Diplomacy
Washington state: an arson suspect on meth leads cops on a chase, then demands Dairy Queen as a surrender condition. Negotiators deliver a Blizzard + burger (by robot!), and the standoff ends. Tim’s take: if you’ve got leverage, aim higher than soft-serve.
Elementary teacher sings the “zoo/monkey” jokey alt-birthday song to a Black student. Mom furious; district investigating.
Tim’s stance: teacher’s oblivious, not malicious; still wildly tone-deaf in 2025. Also: pick literally any other two-syllable animal.
Cold Open / Soundboard ChaosTim’s Life Update: Mom & the KFC GauntletFamily Waiting-Room Confessional: “Bonus Hole” BrotherDV Listener Sponsorship: A One-Page PlayToday’s News BuffetFlorida Clip: “Happy Birthday… You Look Like a—”
