Tim opens with a fresh intro explaining why you’re getting a classic instead of a new show:
Weekend trip to visit his mom in Ashtabula turns into a rental car disaster
Stranded with a busted rental, five-hour delay, and useless Enterprise locations
Learns only airport rental counters are open on weekends
Forced to drive home in a bright cherry red Kia Soul that doesn’t fit a 6'2" man or his ego
Promises a new DV episode later in the afternoon, but for now serves up a filthy Best Of from 2016 featuring an Abraham Lincoln Sextastic Tuesday
We then jump back to Tuesday, March 8, 2016, Sideshow-era Sextastic Tuesday.
Tim rants that Twitter is only good for yelling at companies, citing his Chipotle burrito bowl saga
Reads a curated stream of disgusting sex tweets about period blood, wrecked pussies, and weird-smelling dicks to set the Sextastic mood
Plays a performance piece about Diva Cups and “pussy blood collections”
Poets lovingly describe pouring menstrual blood into a “chalice” and even rubbing it on a boyfriend’s dick
Tim pushes back: bodies are gross, blood is gross, genitals are gross — please keep all that to yourself
Tourette’s porn: schoolgirl with Tourette’s shouting obscene phrases as her “spasms” conveniently slam her face into dick territory
Chubby “sweet boy” porn: a massive, hairy man gets humiliating baby talk about his “little peenie” while his gut is lifted to find his dick, all set to bizarre children’s-style background music
Feature-length erotic fanfic starring Abraham Lincoln with magic cum:
Abe wakes in 1863 with a raging erection and an itchy seven-point star birthmark on his thigh
Skips Mary Todd and gets serviced by maid Martha, who deep-throats his nine-inch “birch rod” while he calmly sips tea and eats biscuits
Later, Japanese emissary Takeyoshi reveals Lincoln is a chosen shinobi whose power comes from his loins
A super-charged orgasm blasts through the White House wall and across the sky like a cum comet
Abe then lubes up with breakfast butter, rails the ninja, and joins in a multi-man cabinet fuck session as everyone services everyone else
Lincoln’s “powers” manifest through gigantic loads and a convulsing ninja asshole
AdamAndEve.com spot:
Use coupon code FREAK for 10 free gifts + free shipping
Tim begs you to buy smut and support DV
China Elevator Horror
Woman dies trapped in a shut-down elevator; body discovered a month later
Scratch marks inside show she tried to escape; Tim imagines the smell and rats.
Punch-Your-Husband Women’s Day Event (China)
Husbands dress as padded human punching bags so wives can sock them for “forgiveness” and empowerment.
Texas School Board Nut – Mary Lou Bruner
Leading candidate believes:
Obama financed a drug habit as a male prostitute
School shootings started after evolution was taught
Dinosaurs rode out the flood on Noah’s Ark and died later
Climate change is a Marxist hoax
Tim notes she’s clearly insane, but also that the article about her is not exactly neutral.
Listener Elizabeth asks for a Richard Simmons birthday drop; Tim plays an ultra-creepy “Happy Birthday” clip for her.
Multiple freaks call about WhiteGuysFartInMyFace appearing on Tosh.0 months after DV covered him.
One listener insists Crystal Pepsi actually tasted good; Tim admits he liked it too.
Tim urges the Freak Army to pressure Tony’s to sell school-style Fiestada Mexican pizzas in normal grocery packs instead of bulk to schools.
Mentions revamping his old soda blog FizzledOut.com and wanting to post more beverage nostalgia.
Plays an old Pokémon parody sketch at the end where a cute kitty Pokémon gets annihilated by a giant bear.
Opening / Twitter & Period BloodDiva Cup Slam PoetrySextastic Clips: Tourette’s & Teeny PeeniesSextastic Story: Abraham Lincoln Presidential Fuck MachineSponsorNewsVoicemails & Odds & Ends
