Description

On the Show:

💩 The Breakfast Bandit Blunder
A guy tries to enjoy a chill Burger King lunch, but a suspicious cop launches an entire investigation because he might have said “breakfast.” A reminder that in America, fast food confusion can lead to canine units.

🦇 Bat in Mouth, Bills in Hand
A woman accidentally eats part of a bat during a stargazing trip and ends up with a $20,000 medical bill—and possibly a taste for guano. Tim compares it to his $100K hospital stay for a glorified nap.

💋 The Principal Wants That Ass
We sample a vintage “Sensuous Women and Men Together” stag audio scene where a school principal lays down a no-pants policy and invites a teacher to a swinger’s party. HR wasn’t consulted. Cunt-sucking minds were.

💔 First-Date Freebie Whore
A TikTok girl casually admits she goes on dozens of first dates just to eat at new restaurants for free. Tim rants about the hellscape that is modern dating and calls for “Dutch or bust.”

🎭 TikTok Debates With... Yourself?
Tim roasts the rise of cringe solo-debate TikToks where people pretend to argue with themselves, particularly one video involving Sydney Sweeney’s jeans and alleged supremacist undertones.

💡 PSA Voice Girl Hates Conservatives
A smug TikToker delivers the joke: “How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?” The answer—and the delivery—makes Tim want to bite the bulb and end it all.

🚔 Diary of a Dumb Car Thief
A Minnesota woman steals a van and then immediately journals about it: “Totally stole a car today!” The cops read her diary (thanks, Mom) and arrest her. She avoids jail, but not probation… or humiliation.

Ash Cravencock (possibly Cravenock?)
OnlyFans blacksmith and History Channel “Forged in Fire” contestant, lusted after by a dangerously obsessed fan who paid to recite a poem on the show.
🔥 Link in the show notes (for... research purposes).

💵 Want to show Tim some love? Forget candles.

• PayPal: show@distortedview.com

• Patreon

• Leave a 5-star review

• Or just smell Ash Cravenock’s armpits vicariously

• A bee sting solidarity call-in (it's going around)

• Lance becomes old after dissing mumble rap

• A future lifetime member calls in to demand more Insensitive Reenactments

• Tim suspects Lyme disease and is using ChatGPT like a virtual WebMD therapist

🎁 Final Thoughts:
Tim is older, hornier, possibly diseased, and still begging for your sweet, sweet money. Happy 20 years of Distorted View Daily, freaks. You’ve got blood on your hands if you don’t rate the show 5 stars.

Today’s Sponsor:Birthday Shakedown:Voicemail Highlights: