Do old wounds ever show up in your partnership when you’re trying to learn new things? Then Episode 42 is for you! Trey shares more than he EVER has as he tells Lauren the story of his weekend on the golf course and how his body internalized GOLF as trauma. Lauren invites him to share the origin story of his anger and how he’s working through rage now.
At minute 7:07 Trey remembers how his rage this past Saturday was directed at his mom. He shares the story of the time they were driving on the freeway in LA when he was 8 or 9 and how she proceeded to yell at him at the top of her lungs while driving 60 mph. Trey’s biggest question becomes, “what is the difference between pushing rage down and releasing it?”
At minute 11:00, Lauren begins to draw correlations between learning a new skill as an adult and the foundational patterns we formed in childhood as we tried to learn new things. She then DIVES into one of her favorite concepts by Peter A. Levin, author of WAKING THE TIGER. She describes the difference between reenacting trauma and renegotiating trauma through play. She draws a correlation between the Civil War reenactors in Appomattox, VA and the way our own bodies try to “close the loop” and “change the ending” of our stories.
Chaos in the brain requires us to forge new neural pathways! At minute 13:40 Lauren honors the wisdom of BDSM and Kink Communities, and the way they have been healing trauma for ages. From minute 15:30 Trey begins to brainstorm how his renegotiation could look, including a random tangent about Julia Roberts. At minute 18:00 he stands up for his little self and it brings Lauren to tears. (Surprise!)
Lauren shares a recent time when Trey helped her renegotiate misogynistic trauma through play on a simple bike ride at minute 20:00. By allowing themselves to engage their creative imaginations Trey offered her a different path to healing. Lauren cries as she shares how the illusion of control was burst open that day.
Lauren shares how much Trey’s experience parallels the experiences of her students as they work to overcome relational and sexual patterns. The SAME voices and frustrations tend to confuse them as they work to write new scripts. We suggest that everyone take an ACEs Quiz to assess their own adverse childhood experiences. (Links below!)
Trey asks Lauren what tool she recommends partners try to renegotiate past behaviors. Of course, she responds with the Three Minute Game! Watch the whole episode HERE.
At minute 36:00 we get to the BEST PART of this episode where Trey unpacks something Lauren has been waiting for him to discover about his erotic turn-ons! Make SURE to watch her face starting at minute 37:00! 37:41 is maybe the best reaction on this podcast SO FAR! Trey’s face at minute 38:59 is exactly how Lauren always imagined it would be!
Lauren shares at minute 40:00 that troublesome turn-ons are only a problem when we say they are. We can use our Cornerstones of Eroticism as spring boards (minute 42:00) to hot sex with our partners of choice! Going to our “red light districts,” Esther Perel, or using “Creative Monogamy,” Dr. Joli Hamilton, allows us to create NEW peek erotic encounters with our own partners!
Resources:
WAKING THE TIGER: HEALING TRAUMA
THE EROTIC MIND
MATING IN CAPTIVITY
Harvard: ACEs and Toxic Stress: Frequently Asked Questions
NPR Article and ACEs Quiz
If you would like to learn to Renegotiate Trauma through Play or how to explore erotic turn-ons, click here to request a FREE 15-Minute Consult today! www.sexedforyou.com/freeconsult Lauren would love to equip you and your partners with tools for mindful communication and sexual flourishing.
Reminders: This is not a "how to" podcast, but rather a "how they" podcast. Lauren is NOT a therapist. She is a Certified Holistic Sexuality Educator.
