In today’s edition of The Update Journal, After what can only be described as the Blizzard Cinematic Universe: Extended Director’s Cut—featuring snow, more snow, surprise snow, and a Valentine’s Day subplot nobody asked for—we have officially returned to a regularly scheduled program. Yes, we’re caught up. Yes, it only took recording episodes like we were cramming for finals. And yes, I’m still emotionally recovering.
Meanwhile, over in the world of questionable decision-making, Ashley Madison has apparently decided that “Life’s Short. Have an Affair.” needed a glow-up. Because nothing says “trust us now” like a rebrand after your entire premise was chaos. Bold strategy. Let’s see if it pays off.
And in today’s Honorable Mention: a question that proves the internet is both a blessing and a curse—what is hentai? Short answer: it’s exactly what you think it is, and also somehow worse. Long answer: maybe don’t Google it on a public Wi-Fi network.
All that and more, as we celebrate being back on schedule, question humanity just a little bit more, and once again prove that sometimes… ignorance really was bliss.
In the headlines on #TheUpdate this Thursday, An NYPD officer who works security at the mayor’s residence and City Hall has been suspended after the department says he shot a man in the head while off duty, police say.
Luigi Mangione's lawyers asked a judge to postpone his federal trial in the killing of UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson until early next year and said they will seek to have his state murder trial delayed until September.
And out in the American West, Labor rights activist Dolores Huerta revealed she was among women and girls who say they were sexually abused by César Chavez, the widely admired Latino icon who brought to light the struggles of farmhands while leading the United Farm Workers union.
