This episode is a stream of consciousness attempt to process (what I think, is) the most difficult fact of our reality: loss; impermanence
This is my first time feeling able to speak in about a week, and I’m not at all saying I am ready, or this is “good,” it is just honest (for me).
I lost my best friend. And already I’m afraid of people going “best friend???” And disagreeing. But that’s really not your place. I get to be honest and say that FOR ME: nobody knew me, or loved me, like Dillon Matthew Bauer did. And that is so selfish, so horrifyingly toxic to admit (and to type).
The truth is: he loved me in a way that truly set me free. He is the ONLY person I ever met, who actually did value my happiness. It wasn’t about him, he just wanted everyone AROUND HIM to feel joy.
We used to talk about intelligence. He would say things like, “Tay I’m not smart like you” and I would say, “humor is intelligence— the way you find the gap, the way you shift the mood— the way you always lighten any room you enter, your ability to MAKE OTHERS LAUGH, you bring joy—
And that is an (unparalleled) mental and emotional INTELLIGENCE, I’m sorry that this world didn’t see you or appreciate you for who you are, the light you carried and the gifts you bore.
You are sacred. And I will see you again.
Thank you for being a pure light in an otherwise crowded and shrouded world, and I’m so sorry I didn’t do more to protect and defend you. I backed off, when I knew it my heart I needed to lean in. I thought about how OTHERS might feel, and forgot: that you are (were) my best friend.
You were always the best friend to me, and I let you down. And I don’t think you would even agree with me, if you were here, and THAT: proves my point.
Dillon only ever wanted others to be happy, the way he smiled and laughed wasn’t because he lacked depth (as I thought, when I was really young) it was because he was so deeply aligned with that: he knew the greatest gift (laughter)
He healed hearts, he brought joy, and I’m ashamed to know I don’t feel like I ever reciprocated THAT JOY back to him—
What if? What if the way he loved everybody he ever met— what if even one person loved him back, that same exact way?
Is that enough to save someone?
I hate that 🎶 “Good Vibration” (Trevor Hall) is in my head now, because you showed me that song.
That song is you, Dill.
I will always love you—
