So I wanted to share with you an experience I had a couple of weeks ago. Shortly after Christmas, I noticed that my brain (and yes, I do refer to this internal organ as a “separate being”) was being especially chatty and negative about my “separated spouse”. Finally, I asked it a question….”Why are you being so negative? What is it that you know that I don’t know about him?” Now this is a tactic I use when I’m finding that my brain is being especially negative in anger, fear, resentment. I take the role of an “observer” and will talk to my brain as if it is an entity outside of me. Can I just say that those questions silenced my brain super quick.
Then shortly after that, I was able to hear God’s voice and He told me to do something. He told me to ask my spouse this question, “What is it about your life that you want God to change or take away?” Ok…I gotta be honest with you here….my knee jerk reaction is to go into fear and defensive mode and say, “Absolutely not.” Why in the world do you want me to rattle the hornet’s nest? Seriously?
But he knows that I will always do what he asks and so after I was able to process all the emotions, I agreed to do it.Two days later, he adds this…he wants me to let my spouse know that it was God that wanted me to ask him that question. This one hit me hard. Because of the anger and resentment that my spouse was feeling toward God And for that reason, I really resisted this instruction. Thank goodness I have some really close friends that I can process this with and I finally agreed to do it. Now if you’re wondering if I already asked the question…the answer is, “Yes.” And we’re supposed to have an in person conversation about this. By the time this episode comes out, we will already have had this conversation. Just a few days ago, as I was thinking about our upcoming convo, God dropped this song into my Being. And yes, God knows music! I have so much evidence of that guys. And I am always amazed at the many ways He communicates with us and we may not always realize it. The song was, “How Deep is Your Love” by the BeeGees. LOL…OMG!...really? That one? I had to look it up and listen to it over and over again. But more than anything…I was asking myself, “How deep IS my love?” “What does that even mean?”
As I am pondering upon these questions, I am filled with an immense amount of love and gratitude. The JOY inside me is so intense, I want to burst. And yet….I ask myself, is my love AS DEEP as it can be? So I’m taking a leap of faith…that no matter the depth of love I may have right now, I am asking God to deepen that love even more. But as I’m asking for that, I intuitively and inherently know that it will require a deepening of my willingness to experience and to accept suffering and maybe pain. Do I even know what that means? Absolutely not. But will it be worth it? And for some reason, the Divine Spirit within me is saying, “Yes.” That I am willing to walk that walk because I know that it is the only way. To follow God into the dark unknown.
I think of the Savior in the Garden of Gethsemane and I think of what He went through and believe that.
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