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In this episode Kristen and Becky talk about perfectionism. This is very important so read carefully: The end of the world will not come if you don’t get it perfectly right. Is that hard to believe? When you're in recovery it doesn't mean that you're "perfect" (pun intended) at not being perfect. You just become aware of this tendency and then work on it. Stop trying to be perfect because you are not perfect and never will be. And that's okay!
Perfectionism comes from a place of fear and pain. If you are trying to be perfect then you are trying to control any and everything in order to stave off some future unknown. Spoiler alert: no one is perfect and you trying to control everything and make it perfect is only going to add to more pain, especially when things don’t go according to your plan or desires. This will just lead to shame and blame, as if you could or should have done something else or something more to avoid the outcome. It just doesn’t work.
If we could stop this futile attempt to be perfect and become recovering perfectionists the world would be a better place. Progress over perfection. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing; it doesn’t have to be perfect to be okay. Life is beautiful when you can be okay with the imperfections of life. Keep your expectations realistic and life will be much happier for all involved.
Perfectionistic expectations may stem from childhood, where you were expected to get it right and be in perfect control. Maybe you saw that modeled and knew that was an unspoken rule at home. Maybe you find yourself living that out in your own home. People will make their choices, especially children. No one wants to be controlled. If you feel like you are being controlled you will become resentful or turn to people-pleasing. You may become passive-aggressive or downright rebellious.
Social media is the perfect place (pun intended) to portray only the best of our lives. You can pretend all is perfect very easily online. It’s hard to connect to an image that isn’t quite portraying the whole truth of the person. You also disconnect from yourself when you hide the parts of you that you don’t like or don’t think measure up. People want to connect with a real, flawed human, not a robot who’s fake. We need to learn to have compassion for the parts of us that are never going to be perfect
Perfectionism is a way of staying stuck and trying things you really want to do. If you will never be able to attain something, you lose all motivation to try. Instead of trying to make things perfect for you and everyone in your life, let it be good enough. Find the balance. Done is better than perfectly planned but never executed. A 10-minute walk is better than the hour in the gym that never happened. Challenge your thoughts. When it pops up, “A 10-min walk isn’t going to do anything!” Answer back: That’s okay. I enjoyed it and maybe tomorrow I can go a little longer.” What is something that you really want to do? It won’t be perfect but that’s okay. Try it.
Challenge the negative thoughts. “You’ll never do it right” becomes, “I’m not going to get it right the first time but I will have fun trying.” Instead of telling yourself, "It wasn’t good enough" you say, "Nope! I did the best I could. I did enough and I am enough." Keep telling yourself this until you believe it.
