In episode 24 Becky and Kristen discuss difficult relationships. Do you feel like you're "walking on eggshells" around a certain person in your life? Does this relationship feel heavy or do you feel defeated in believing you will always be trapped in it? Listen for ways to cope and how to set up healthy boundaries for better, happier relationships.
You can't fix someone or save them. Remember to have compassion for them and compassion for you. Kristen says it’s selfish to try to save other people. It’s up to all of us to take care of ourselves. We are trying to help others but when we focus on them, we are not focusing on ourselves and what is actually in our control.
“I know better than you. I am going to fix you.” It is controlling, selfish, manipulative and codependent. It takes time to uncover the reasons behind why we’re doing the things we do. If in your heart you are just trying to help, ask yourself, "Why do I think they need my help? Did they as for it?" If not, let them figure it out on their own.
Be kind to yourself but also kind to your difficult person. You aren’t condescending but respectful. You will never regret being kind. The way to inner peace is to do your own inner work and to let others live their own lives. We can get enmeshed with others. We want everyone to be happy. This can happen so easily and it’s not our intention to be dysfunctional. These patterns are learned generation after generation. It doesn’t matter what your background is; you can unlearn unhealthy behaviors.
You have choices in your relationships. Don’t let someone else’s mood change yours. Don’t let If this is someone in your life that you can minimize contact with (a neighbor, coworker, boss), go for it. If this person is a parent, child, other family member and you do not want to terminate the relationship
Prepare for your time with this person. Do your deep breathing. Stay calm. Expect them to be their usual self. If something about this person bothers you, don’t expect it to be any different. Prep yourself for this person to continue the behavior. However, if their behavior is abusive or offensive, you have options. Choose what you will put up with and what you won’t.
If someone is screaming at you and you no longer will tolerate that, put up the boundary. Say, “If you are going to yell at me I will leave.” This is not about controlling their behavior, this is about what you will do to protect yourself.
You get to choose how you will show up. It’s much easier to control ourselves with strangers or acquaintances than it is with a closer family member. Taking the time to understand where someone is coming from can open up compassion for the person. We can have compassion for them but we also get to have compassion for ourselves.
Don’t let your fear of conflict keep you from bringing attention to the behavior and how it affects you. It’s not helping anybody to not speak up. It’s not a loving action, to you or to them. Know that it may not change the person. Maybe this person doesn’t care that it hurts you. Of course, maybe the other person doesn’t know that their behavior is bad. Give them a chance to hear you. If they are willing to hear you and do something about it, great. If not, know that moving forward, you will have to decide what you want to do about it. You may have to ignore them, slowly back away or just learn to live with it.
These are hard situations. We recommend a coach, therapist or even a group that will help you practice what to say. You can role play and decide what you want your life and your relationships to look like. The better you can make your life, the better you will feel which will affect the people around you. If you just live in sad acceptance that this difficult relationship controls you and you have to walk on eggshells, it’s not helping you or the other person. It’s just making the situation worse.
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