In this week's episode, Kristen and Becky discuss "The Martyr Complex" and what it means to know someone who is a martyr or recognize it in yourself if you have this kind of patterns or identity within you.
The old school definition of a martyr is: someone who is willing to die for their country, religion, or belie." These days, a martyr is someone who unnecessarily sacrifices themselves for others while ignoring their own needs. They have a victim complex, but in their heart they are really trying to do the right thing for other people. It's a little like being codependent where you think you can save or rescue someone, but it becomes self-righteous and out of range because then you get upset when people don't do what you think is right for them.
Or, you get upset when someone isn't grateful "enough" or prove of you "enough." It's not intentional but the martyr feels like that is the only value they can offer others is to serve and give and take over for other people, but people don't like that and the martyr feels resentful because they aren't being appreciated for all they are doing for the person or people.
Kristen has been affected by martyrs and has even exhibited it in her life, especially with her kids, at times. It's good to catch it when you notice patterns you have picked up from your family or society. We are often doing a lot of things we were conditioned to do on autopilot, and unless we are totally conscious of the things we learned before we could even talk or think about it--often before we were born we were already marinating in our family or society's patterning. And we might think that we don't want to behave that way once we are adults, and that might be very true for us, but it doesn't mean that we will automatically not behave that way. When you can't be as conscious because there is stress in your life, you might forget to be aware of changing your automatic, conditioned responses.
As long as you catch a pattern or behavior and reflect on it later and remind yourself that you want to change it and not act on it again, then try not to beat yourself up because you learned it at a young age. So, it's all about becoming self-aware.
Becky tells a story about a young five year old boy who spills some milk and his mom reacts in a lot of anger. Instead of comforting him, she starts to talk about how she is the worst mom ever and then he feels a need to comfort Mommy instead. He learns that her feelings are more important than his own. Later, he is taking care of his sister, bringing his mom medicine and food. This is where he thinks he is getting his value. Later, as an adult, he is the one who sacrifices himself at work--he is always willing to cover an extra shift; in relationships he is always over-giving and over-doing. These patterns just pop up. We don't choose them. This man's mom never meant for him to take this on and yet she was probably so proud of him for taking such good care of his little sister and helping her out so much. Sh wasn't thinking that his feelings don't matter and that hers were more important than his and that he needs to take this new pattern to his grave. Parents don't think like that; we are all on autopilot until something wakes us up and we are willing to do it differently.
It is tricky to overcome this, but it can be done. And it might not be a pattern you do all the time. It might be something you do occasionally. So, if you do it, notice it, and forgive yourself for it. We don't know all time about the things that we are doing. We might not even know that it's a bad thing to do.
There is a lot of blame and shame when you are a martyr. The martyr doesn't take responsibility for their behavior. They victim-blame and shame and they act like they are the victims. So, if they do something that you don't like and you ask them to be accountable for it...for example, you tell them that you don't like the way they treated you or spoke...
