A few months ago, I was at a women’s retreat with my girlfriends, partaking in a breath-work session hosted by my friend, Jessica Jante. The breath pattern was strenuous and I found myself getting light headed. I genuinely thought I was going to pass out. But with the assurance of Jessica’s voice encouraging us to keep on, I stuck with it. A few moments later, I felt this energy awaken in my stomach, like Smaug awakening from a deep slumber. This newly awakened energy then started slithering its way up my spine, through my chest, then my throat and finally out my mouth.
What happened next was one of the most profound experiences I have encountered thus far.
I started weeping, not crying, but weeping the loudest, soul-curdling cry I have ever heard, let alone expelled from my own body. I was overtaken in a trance-like state, encapsulated in the deepest sadness, regret, remorse, and anger I have ever felt. This went on for what felt like hours, right when I thought I was done, another wave would overtake me and my cry would increase, yet again , in intensity.
During a particular lull in the experience, I took my eye mask off to see all of my friends in upright positions, starring at me, and crying themselves. They told me after the fact that my cry was making them cry, and that they all collectively felt the sadness I was working through. It was as if God was using the bond of sisterhood to facilitate in extinguishing this dragon-like energy from my being.
What I was feeling was suppressed trauma. All the messy stuff I had spent thousands of dollars in the form of talk therapy, fitness programs, and life coaches to no avail, was finally here in all its glory, looking me square in the face. Not as something that needed to be understand, fixed, or worked through, but rather just simply needed to be felt.
Since this experience, my life has changed in the most subtle, yet profound ways. The most noteworthy is the fact that since that breath work session, I haven’t experienced dissociation, not even once. In the preceding 12 months, I had been attending talk therapy 2x/week to resolve this issue. The fact a single breath work session was able to cure this is something I still don’t fully understand, but I will be eternally grateful to Jessica, as well as to all my “Star Sisters,”(save your judgement for the cheesy name) for helping me access a level of presence I have so desperately wanted to achieve.
As a result of not dissociating, I am more present for my life. I am not running from it. The self-sabotage and “numbing” behaviors that used to rule my life have lessoned. I feel more and more like “that chick” everyday.
If you’re in a place where you feel stuck, maybe you, like me, have tried a myriad of solutions and are still left feeling unsure about where to turn next. I cannot recommend working with Jessica Jante enough. She is a trauma-informed breath work facilitator by trade and there are not words in the English language to fully articulate just how impactful her work has been to my life.
