For me, that first drink starts an uncontrollable race to poison myself. It's the spark that lights my compulsion, and once its started, it is impossible to extinguish. I had to learn, in my own time and through my own struggles, that the only thing I could control was what was directly at my fingertips—and that is not picking up that first drink.
I had no clue that this uncontrollable craving had taken root years before I even tried to stop. That's the power this addiction held over me. It consumed me. Buying alcohol was always an exercise in ensuring I'd never run out. My fear of running dry was like a nightmare hanging over me at all times. What was once enough for several days soon became barely enough for a day and a half.
I used to think alcohol helped me with social anxiety, numbed my emotional struggles, fears, and stopped the physical shaking and panic attacks. The cruel irony is that it was actually causing all these issues. It was a living hell. And yet, I couldn’t stop. I just can’t believe I’m here today sober.
If you have thoughts or stories you'd like to share, please reach out to me at rachel@recoverydailypodcast.com or through the contact form on recoverydailypodcast.com.
