“When something disturbs me, there’s something wrong with me.” This concept was introduced to me in my sobriety program, and I constantly challenge it. My first thought is usually, “No, something is wrong with the jackwagon who made me feel this way.” But the truth is, my disturbed, irrational thinking is often the result of me not dealing with something within myself. If I don’t address it, by calling my sponsor and sharing about it in meetings, that disturbance can lead to a drink.
You know where I really get into trouble? When I start assuming other people’s thoughts and intentions—when I focus on all the things I want to change about the world instead of the things I need to change within me. When I’m off balance and not practicing my program, I can architect more problems in my life than I can take down in a single day. And those problems pile onto the soundtrack of my self-talk.
Depression is my diet of choice. I have a sick relationship with it. When I feel a “dry bender” coming on, that darkness feeds on itself. Somewhere in the shadows of my mind, a voice whispers, “Maybe you’ll lose some weight if you stay depressed.” It’s wacko what goes on inside my head, and it can fester if left unchecked.
This is the stuff I need to say out loud because these are the conversations we avoid. But they’re the ones that matter. Left unspoken, this kind of thinking can become a fatal habit. Recovery has taught me that acknowledging these feelings and addressing them is how I stay emotionally sober.
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