I never thought of hiding alcohol in the back of a toilet tank, but the disease led me to hide it just about everywhere else. Just as the disease is progressive, so was my willingness to accept it and to change. I tried to make minimal changes to my lifestyle, and slowly, progressively, my life unraveled into chaos. There was no bit of change that was going to work. I had to change everything. I was dying a slow suicide, screaming on the inside. The unmanageable, invisible internal battle finally broke me open.
For me, surrender meant letting go of old ideas and embracing faith. I kept doing the next wrong thing, chasing a high that always ended in remorse. One evening I stood on a sidewalk in San Francisco desperately trying to not drink, knowing that if I did nobody would know. And at once I stopped in my tracks and turned fully to God, acknowledging that I wasn’t alone and never had been. If I was going to be all in on faith and truly believe that He was always with me, I couldn’t sit across from God with a glass of wine in my hand. From that moment on, my acceptance and willingness became complete. Recovery became a daily choice, and faith turned the chaos in my head into serenity. That’s my miracle. Faith saved my life.
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