I found out that my friend passed away from liver failure. I didn’t record yesterday, because I didn’t know what to say. Everything I reached for felt insufficient. Thankfully, I had a timely psychiatrist appointment that morning. I knew it was important to talk honestly about what this grief feels like, especially since so many of my friends are feeling it too.
Grief feels like wandering in a dark room with no way out. There’s no single way to grieve, and we all do it differently. Sometimes we are all wondering around in that same dark room searching for a way to make sense of the loss. For most of my life, I drank over grief instead of feeling my way through it. Pouring alcohol over the pain kept me locked in that dark room for decades.
This recent loss has put me right back there. But the difference is that yesterday I was in a safe place to share what the pain feels like. With my head in my hands, I sobbed. I felt the stinging pain and the heavy weight of loss. I told her that falling to my knees in the dark room is scary because I’m afraid I won’t be able to get back up. I’m afraid that if I lose control over my emotions, I’ll be in a free fall with no parachute. That I’d drink again.
However, what happened was quite different. As I let go and felt the grief fully, the doorway out of that dark room began to illuminate.
We all get to grieve in our own way, and today I chose to speak mine out loud in case someone else needs to hear it. The more we talk about our grief and share it with one another, the easier it becomes to find our way out of the darkness.
In loving memory of my friend, Jana Wiggins. 💙
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This month I'm participating in a fundraiser for vestibular disorders awareness because I know what it’s like to live with something you can’t fully explain and no one can see. Visit my fundraising page: https://s2b.funraise.org/fundraiser/rachel-abbassi
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