"Far Behind" by Candlebox is a song that you could hear blaring from my dorm room in college. This song always made me feel understood by lyrics, yet lost in a world of students that didn't understand how much pain I was carrying around. There have been quite a few times in my life where I have felt so intensely depressed, misunderstood, and left behind while everyone around me was moving forward. I felt alone, and yet I couldn't share that pain. This song could be a dialogue among the versions of me, past and present.
Pain feeds pain. Depression feeds depression. Until eventually we find ourselves left far behind from the rest of the world. Others watch us crumble, helpless to help us. We have to be willing to share the pain to help ourselves. It's hard, and I'm tired. As someone living with chronic pain, internally and externally, I can attest that our pain must be shared to find relief.
"Far Behind" serves as a backdrop for many memories in college, and I find it interesting that after decades of adulting, the song can still elicit a feeling of being a lost soul among others that appear found. It can make me feel misunderstood and lonely, the remnants of pain that has not been fully eradicated. I still find myself battling the urge to hide, walk the other way, against the crowd. Gratefully I have a program for living with a fellowship that holds my hand and helps me move forward when I feel too tired to do it on my own.
