One of the scariest things I’ve done was let go of what I believed to be the truth about how to survive in this stressful world. My nervous system was shot. One could visibly see me shaking and hear my stomach doing gymnastics. To defend the life I’d built and settle my trembling hands, I had to drink. So, taking off that armor by denying myself alcohol was like casting me out naked in front of the world.
There’s a stage in early recovery, I like to call the “naked zone”, where we’ve stopped drinking but haven’t yet received the benefits of the program or learned the tools to manage life sober. That zone is vulnerable but unavoidable. Without the structure of the program and the people around me, I would’ve been swallowed by it. I just kept showing up because that’s what my sober friends told me to do.
My ego was blocking me from learning that my self-constructed truth was a mirage. Desperation cracked open my ego just enough to let the light of the program in. I began to hear other alcoholics sharing the thoughts that were in my head. And with that my ego quietly and gently broke down leaving me in tears. Those tears represented the years of pain my ego was protecting. Today I walk in a joyful truth that doesn’t require armor.
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