I thought I was only hurting me. But when I look back and take my inventory, I see the human wreckage I left behind. By making life easier for me, I was making life harder for those I love the most. I stole their peace of mind by being mentally absent when they needed me. There’s a photo of me with my kids taken at my sister’s house, surrounded by love, and just I remember the terrible hangover, dehydration, and desperation to get back home and drink. I was pleasant, but I wasn’t present. That is only some of harm I caused, and I must own it.
Working the steps leads to emotional sobriety that reaches beyond putting down the drink, and teaches me to pick up responsibility. I still have late-night guilt spirals 9 years into sobriety. Last night while I fell asleep, a memory from 20 years ago triggered shame. In those moments, I want to avoid and escape from the mental torment. But I remembered just before I slipped into dream land that the shame I was feeling was self-inflicted, and all I had to do was interrupt the story in my head. That’s the last thing I remember from last night.
Today, when life gets hard, I have the tools to look inward at where I have been resentful, selfish, dishonest, or afraid. I can be present, really present, and do for others. Healing and pain can coexist and often do. Emotional sobriety starts by not hiding from myself anymore. That’s where the freedom begins.
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